But a Babe

The stockings are empty, the gifts are opened, Christmas has passed for this year (except for our Christmas celebration with Trace's family in about a week). Christmas is truly one of my favorite times of year. I love so many of the things about Christmas. The baking, the decorating, fun with family and friends, and all the tradition that gets packed into a couple of weeks. It is busy and can be stressful at times, but there is always so much laughter and joy. It is good. I also love to reflect on the Christmas story every year and it seems that Lord lays something new on my heart every time. This year it is the humility of the King! Oh, what beautiful humility to become a babe in the manger, to take on flesh, to walk this earth and appear as but a man. To die a sinners death, full of mockery, ridicule, beatings, spit, pain and suffering. May be never separate the baby in the manger from the man on the cross! Humility.

Do we ponder the gift long and hard? The gift of Jesus. JESUS, at this name Every Knee Will Bow. This is the same Jesus, low and in a manger. A baby, lying helpless, full of need, wrapped in human skin. Holy One, Magnificent King! So much to ponder, to struggle to comprehend. Beyond my earthly abilities to understand. Who chooses this? Chooses to come. Chooses to die. To die for you and me.

He comes as a baby in a manger, no castle for Him. He is amidst the animals and the manure. In the middle of the filth. A baby. He came this way, capable of making his entrance any way He would choose. The one who simply speaks and earth is formed. He came with no fear of getting stuck in the middle of our filth, of my filth. He became a man and dwelt among us.

Then He grows and during His time of ministering on earth, He calls people to come and follow. To take up their cross and follow Him. The King of Kings, with no place to call home. He calls follow me, to follow him to His death. Oh what a mighty warrior, who will lay it all down for you and me. To conquer death and its grip...if only we believe!

So I have pondered this humility this Christmas and I can't help but to ask, what does this mean for me? I am to model my life after Christ, to come and follow Him. How do I model humility? What steps do I need to take to become more like my King? To be found low among the people? To not appear great, but small. To not dwell among the Kings, but the filth, and with no sense of disgust but love. I pray that this year Christ holds hard onto my heart and teaches me what it means to become smaller so that He can become greater, so that He may receive ALL the glory. Lord show me how to experience true joy in humility. To be content to be low among the people.

A Sweet Lesson on the Father's Love

This morning on the way to take sweet Aidan to school, I had a sudden and unexpected encounter with a 16-year-old boy. He was on his way to school, the roads were slick, and he slid right into the back of me when I was stopped at a light. The damage to the mommy mobile isn't all that bad. The kids were understandably frightened but not injured. We got out and this kind, polite boy asked if everyone was OK. He was obviously upset, but he handled himself very well. We called the police and then He decided he needed to call his dad. His dad drove over and was visibly frustrated. You could hear it in his voice as he reprimanded his son. He wasn't necessarily inappropriate and I wouldn't have expected a father to behave any differently. It wasn't long before we were on our way. The father and the son both apologized and I left.

I was on my way home and I was reflecting on that teenage boy. I remembered making HUGE mistakes and having to make the dreaded phone call to my own father. I remember having to listen to him as he told me that I just needed to think, to use my head, slow down and stop making careless mistakes. Sometimes these conversations were based in love and sometimes it was just too frustrating for my dad to be able to remain calm. I was thinking about how that feels, to know you messed up, to know there will be consequences, to feel little bitty, and at the same time to have to listen to someone explain to you what you did wrong. With every word spoken you shrink further into self doubt and inability.

The next thing that occurred to me was the reaction of my Heavenly Father when I come to Him after making a mistake or choosing to act in sin. He never feels the need to Lord our sins over us. He let's us come, repent, and soak in His grace. He is so good, He is a merciful and compassionate God who beckons us to come and sit at His feet and take our fill of His love, His unconditional, limitless love. I am so thankful for the love of the Father! I am thankful for the way He speaks to me in the midst of my daily life and whispers His sweet truths to me.

When we come and repent we aren't promised that we will never suffer the consequences of our behavior (that would not be just) but we are guaranteed that we will find love, forgiveness, and acceptance in the midst of our sin filled existence. The next thing that occurred to me is how powerful it would have been in my own life after one of those "huge mistakes" if my father would have come to me and not said a word, but wrapped me in his loving embrace, knowing what I did was wrong, careless, and even stupid. What if he never felt the need to even tell me that, but yet he loved me through it. What if that father today had loved his son through it, never even speaking a critical word. What a powerful reflection of the Father he could have been.

I have found myself pondering my parenting today. I think there is a time and a place for me to correct, train, and teach my kids, but sometimes the most effective thing I can do is wrap them in my loving embrace and love them through it. That doesn't mean that we protect them from the consequences of the behavior, but sometimes we already know the mistakes we made...all we need is to know that we are loved in spite of those mistakes. Ephesians 4:29 is a verse that I have been praying and meditating on lately. It has application to EVERY single area of my life, but I have been specifically praying to see that verse become true in my home. I so desire our home to be place that encourages my family, that builds them up and gives them a safe place to fall when they do fall. The lesson that the Father had for me today directly relates to building a home environment that allows my husband, our children, and our family as a whole to not only survive but to blossom. I pray that in His strength I will be able to reflect the love of the Father more clearly in my own parenting.

Red, and Yellow, Black and White, they are precious in His sight

This week is the sanctity of human life week. As a mom of three living children, who suffered the loss of a miscarriage, I believe in the sanctity of human life. I can remember being in the hospital, going through a delivery and then and holding a small basket on my lap with Trevor in it. What could I do but to cry? I cried and I grieved for many days in the months that followed his birth. Just recently we were driving through Lubbock (which is where I lived when I lost this baby) and we drove by the doctors office where I was told that there was no heartbeat and in an instant my mind went back to that moment. I could feel the feelings I felt that day, I could remember conversations that were had. It is a very real loss of a very real child! It is a child that never lived outside of my womb, but as I gazed into that basket I knew the loss of a child.

The only reason I share this is because the Lord has changed my heart on this issue through my life experiences. I can remember having conversations with those around me and coming to the conclusion that a woman has the right to choose. It is her body and her life. I now believe that each and every child is formed by the very hands of God. I believe that each and every child is precious in his sight. I believe that these babies have no voice. When a mom claims to have the right to choose, her voice is heard but the baby must remain silent. It is an atrocity. It is wrong and we, as a society, turn our heads the other way and allow this to continue while we say and do little. Every year in this country 1.5 million babies are aborted. That is a startling statistic.

I am very uncomfortable writing these words. I know that there may be people reading this who have made that choice to abort. I am not passing judgement on you! I believe that we serve a God who is both righteous and forgiving. I believe that we serve a God who wants you to seek Him about this issue so He can forgive you, so He can love you, and so He can comfort you. He offers grace and mercy and I pray that my words are also seasoned with mercy. If you are struggling the pain from a past abortion please look into this study and look into the healing the Lord has to offer you and if you are willing to share this with me I would love to pray with and for you. Please feel free to email me privately at christahagler223@hotmail.com.

Please join me this week and throughout the year in prayer for Our Nation and Our President on this issue. Melinda is asking us to commit to praying for President Obama's heart on this issue every Monday morning. She will post a scripture on Sunday night so that we can pray over this topic in unity. Will you consider being a part? I will leave you with this short video...

Mexican Church and the Fiesta

Things in Mexico moved much slower and even though we were only there for a week I feel like I have been a step behind the American pace since we returned. We did without Cell Phones, computers, and TV for a week and it was such a gift. We were surrounded by beautiful faces and I never missed the modern conveniences...not even for a second. I have spent a little time wondering how to fit this blog, email, phone calls, and all the other busyness back into my life. One thing that I have realized for sure is that I often choose to make myself unavailable to my kids in different ways that may just be wrong. I mean in Mexico the times that I was unavailable to my children were times that I was involved in serving others or simply being with other people. I never said no, mommy really needs to send this email or spend time on the computer. I do not think that my kids need to get all their wants met immediately or that they need to be entertained all the time, but I have been challenged to really evaluate the messages I send when a computer screen is more of a priority than they are. All this to say that I have struggled to find time for blogging and so I apologize I have been slow to upload pictures from our trip.

I am going to try to work my way through part of our time in Mexico with the help of pictures. The first night that we were there was really just about getting set up for the week. We spent time exploring the Children's Home property and we played a bit with the kids that lived there. The minute that we arrived both Andrew and Rebecca were whisked away from Trace and I and carried around by some of the girls that lived at the Children's Home. Andrew was all smiles, Rebecca was a little surprised to be carried around and called baby. Eventually we rounded up our kids and unloaded our stuff. We found a corner in the girls side with 2 beds side by side and a place to put the playpen. I am not sure how excited my roommates were to have 2 small children right next to them, but they acted pleasant. Trace and Aidan also found a bunk over on the boys side and got situated.

On Sunday morning we woke up and had a small worship service of our own. We hung out most of the day, setting up the room for VBS, and setting up for the carnival. Three families that had never made the trip before got to go that evening to a small Mexican church. It was one of the churches that would host the medical team that week. This was one of the highlights of my trip. We followed the pastor to the church and he left us there, mentioning something about a translator. We waited at the church for about 30 minutes for the pastor to get back, not really sure what was going on. I spent that time looking around outside the church, wanting desperately to be able to speak to the small children I saw outside playing and the lady I saw hand washing clothes outside in a tub. I wanted to walk the streets and invite the people to join us for church (of course I couldn't since I speak no Spanish - hence the desire to learn Spanish).

This is the small blue church we were at and those of us who got to go.

This is a picture of the neighborhood where the church was at. This church was planted in this neighborhood to reach the people who live here.

There was something invigorating for me being out in the community with these people, being near their homes, wanting to know about their lives. This is one of the few times in my life that I can say I have really forgotten about me and wanted desperately to be a vessel of God's love. Wanted just to be with these people, for no gain to myself. I mean I go to church at home and for the most part that is not about me, but it so easy for me to switch into the mentality of wanting to meet the right people that will be a blessing to me in my life, that I can learn from or maybe even wanting to look right and impress someone. I don't go with a heart 100% desiring to serve others and be a vessel to be used by God. I don't even go 100% with a heart to worship God and allow Him to teach me. I mean that is a huge part and I do love to worship with other believers, but how quickly do my pure desires get infested with my own sin.

The Pastor returned and they sang a few songs and the pastor preached a short message on Psalm 91. It was such a privilege to get to hear the word of God spread in another language. It just put and exclamation point behind the idea of how small I am and how vast our God is. Not only is His name preached in Mexico and in Spanish but all over the world. What a mighty God we serve!

Here are some more pictures from our time at the church:

This is a picture of one of the families at the church. The boy the father is holding was brought in a wheel chair because he cannot walk. They returned later in the week to the medical clinic and learned some exercises to help the boy with his stiffness. The picture above is of their baby and Rebecca. The mother was fascinated with her and her blonde hair and asked to have a picture with her and the baby. They also wanted a picture of Rebecca with their family. I am going to attempt to get these pictures to this family.
This is the pastor greeting this family. It was such a privilege to get to meet such a servant of the Lord. He does the evangelism work for 40 churches in Mexico and preaches here. He quit his job as a radio DJ and occasionally picks up shifts to make ends meet. He is truly in love with our Lord.

After church we returned to the Casa Hogar to the carnival that was already in process. Our kids had a great time at the carnival and Andrew was given his very first sucker by Shannon and Stacy (they were so sweet to watch Andrew for us while we went to church). I think he is a little fond of them now. It was fun to watch the kids run around and enjoy themselves and ask for many pictures. It is so cute how they enjoy having there picture made and then looking back at the screen. Here are a few highlights from the carnival.
See the smile and the sucker in his hand...I think he liked it!




Well, I was hoping to cover more than two days, but I think the rest of the week may be easier to complete. I will try to get to it soon.

Why Speak Spanish?

Well, I did it! I just signed up for my online Spanish class and I am so excited. I really think that it is amazing that I am taking this class. I took 2 years of Spanish in HS and I cheated much of the way through it. I picked up a little of it but never learned much. I have always thought that people who come to America need to learn our language and so I have never really sympathized with people who can't speak English. I have never been to Mexico before last week and I never really cared if I ever went. This was my attitude, so why the change of heart?

I was thinking about this and the only answer I have is that the Lord intervened. Over the past years the Lord has been working on the hearts of my husband and me. He has been making us more sensitive the work He is doing around the world. It started with a desire to financially support a missionary family and it has grown from there. Trace took a class called Perspectives on World Missions last fall simply because he would be able to get graduate credit for the class and he has desired to go to seminary for several years so he thought this was the perfect way to get his feet wet. Credit was the sole motivation and he was recently accepted to seminary to study cross-cultural studies. Isn't that the way the Lord works...he changes our hearts and changes our desires.

Trace and I decided to attend a meeting that the church was having about short term missions. We were interested in going on a trip, but did not really have any specific ideas about what we wanted to do, where we wanted to go, or if it was even feasible. We went to the meeting and the mission trip we just went on was not even mentioned. We asked someone about a family mission trip and a couple who went on the trip 2 years ago overheard us. They gave us a little information, encouraged us that it was possible with small children, and told us how to get in touch with the people heading the trip up. The next thing I knew we were heading to Mexico.

Then in the months to come we had some minor repairs that we needed to have done to our car. The dealership has a driver that they allowed to run me home so that I did not have to wait at the dealership for the car. I got to talking to this extremely kind man as he ran me home and then came back to pick me up. He has been in the States for 30 years and still speaks very choppy English. He talked about how hard it has been for him to learn English, he talked about his family, and then he eventually shared a little with me about his faith. He is a Jehovah’s Witness. I asked if he was before coming here and he told me no. I thought about that a lot. I wondered why that may be true. Jehovah’s witnesses go door to door sharing their faith. They take evangelism seriously. I thought how lonely it must be to be in a new place and not be able to speak the language. I thought about how comforting it might be to have someone come to your door and share concern for you and express kindness. This man also told me that they have a Spanish speaking service as well as an English service. They offer him some comfort. They accept him as he is, as a Spanish speaking person. This man is really likable and just being around him and hearing a little of his story began to change my heart and change my attitude.

Then, the first night that we were in Mexico I layed in bed and cried, praising God for opening my eyes and putting me in that spot. Earlier that evening we had gone out to walk to the store at the children's home. There was a group of girls jumping on the trampoline and they began yelling for Rebecca to come over to them. We walked over and Aidan and Rebecca jumped with them. There was such joy on their faces. They exhibited such beauty and I was overwhelmed by the fact they were God's handiwork, that they were God's children, and that He had hand selected these kids and placed them in this children’s home, where they would hear the word of God boldly proclaimed. I felt like I was getting a chance to look into the eyes of my Father as I looked at these kids. I immediately felt bonded to them and love for them.

God granted me greater love in that moment. I was able to see and experience and hopefully communicate love in a new way. These children were not suffering children in a 3rd world country, they were children of God, blessed to be chosen and called to such a place to hear the word of God taught. So as I spent the next 5 days struggling to communicate with these children and other adults who crossed my path I understood that they were valuable, to me and to the Lord. I wanted so badly to hear there stories, ask about their families, and tell them they were precious to me and the Lord. I was limited in how much I could do that. I am determined to be better at it next year. I am determined to show the driver at the dealership that he is valuable and to try to put him at ease by attempting to communicate with him in his first language. I am determined to share the love of Jesus with any other Spanish speaking people that the Lord chooses to bless my path with. This is so new and different for me that I know this must come from the Lord, who is bigger than all. Who reaches down across languages and works to redeem all peoples! In seeing my limitations, I am able to better see His sovereignty and to love His people. And for me, part of loving His people is valuing them enough to learn a little better how to communicate with them.

Gifts

I went shopping for a few last minute gift items for Andrew's birthday on Friday night. I know you are very impressed by my organizational skills since his birthday was on Saturday, but hey I had the gifts by his birthday and he didn't have a clue I was doing last minute shopping. Anyways, I was shopping for Andrew and I needed to grab a couple things that Aidan needed. I noticed some character shirts on sale in the boys department. Now, I have to admit that I am not a big fan of character clothing and shoes. I don't really have a problem with it, I just think that those items tend to be overpriced and not really all that cute so I pass by that section without paying much attention to it.

This time was different though and the Star Wars shirts jumped out at me. It is not because I found them to be adorable and could not pass them up, but rather because my Aidan had just recently asked me to get him a Star Wars shirt. He never asks for clothing so I tucked that bit of information away not knowing if I would ever actually purchase him one and I went on about my day. A week later I am standing in the store with Star Wars shirts on sale and I did it. I eagerly purchased him a shirt. Did you hear that...I said I eagerly purchased the shirt and I proudly presented him with the little surprise that I knew he wanted.

When I was buying the shirt the scripture from Matthew came to me that says:
If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him.
I think that my Father in heaven also loves to give good gifts to those of us who ask. We all know that all good and perfect gifts come from above, so in some way we realize that the many blessings we have received come from His hand, but when I ask and then I receive I know without any doubt that it came from His hand and I am amazed at His goodness. Do you ever think that God is excited to lavish His good gifts upon us, much the same way that I was excited to present the small gift to Aidan. God will not give me everything I ask for because He knows what I need better than I know(much the same way that I know some things are just not in the best interest of my children), but what joy I have in giving to them when I can. I think God is like that in some ways and He loves to give to us what we ask for and I know that I see Him providing for me and meeting my needs so much more clearly when I stop and take the time to ask. It was such a sweet lesson for me as I shopped for my own children.

Silence

Ahhh...Silence. This is not a noise I hear very often in my house. Aidan has not taken a nap for a while and I used to have him play in his room for rest time while Andrew slept but then Andrew reached the age where there was no way he was going to go to sleep when there was someone to play with in his room. So, Aidan had to come out and life has been different ever since. We still have 30 minutes of quiet time when Aidan can look at books and then he has independent play time, but it is not the same as quiet. At the moment, Trace is working on something outside and Aidan is outside with him. Rebecca and Andrew are both napping so I sit here inside my house and I hear silence.

God has been challenging me lately a lot with silence. He has been urging me to spend more time with Him in prayer, or just sitting still. I have been pondering how to fit this into my life. How do I make quiet a lifestyle. I have begun to realize that reading my bible is necessary and it must be incorporated but I am being pushed to find more time and to create more habits. Habits that will draw me to the Lord and give rest to my soul. I have thought a lot about how much I push God out of my life with noise and busyness. I can always fold a load of laundry, clean the house, check my email, or make a phone call. There is never a time that I really should be doing nothing, but I need the rest. My soul is longing for more connection. More time to reflect on what I am reading in the word. More time to pray for my kids, more time to pray over my marriage, more time to pray about my heart and the lack of alignment I have with God's heart. I just need more time with my Savior. He is calling me away with Him. I think I might ignore the pile of laundry on the chair for a few minutes longer and just be silent, to be still and know that He is Lord. I think for the next few minutes I will set aside the distractions that come in many forms and just be with God.

Happy Birthday to my Princess!!!

Sweet Rebecca, I CANNOT believe that you,little one, are three years old! I remember a time when I wasn't even sure I wanted a little girl. Thankfully the Lord knew better than me. It blows me away that you are 3, that you are turning more and more into a little girl. It also seems unreal that it has only been 3 years. I can barely remember life without you in it. It feels like it was an eternity ago. You have brightened my life in more ways than you know. You are a precious jewel in this family. I smile more because you are around. I laugh more because of you and my joy has greatly increased with you in my life. You truly are a gift from God. The Lord has used you to make me stop and take a look at myself. God has used you to teach me how to pray differently and more frequently. God has used you to change me, but mostly God's gift of you has made my life more abundant.

You have multiplied the joy, laughter, and fun in this home. I love that you laugh all too often, at things that aren't even very funny. Your smile makes me smile and your moments of innocence just melt my heart (key word in that sentence is moments). There is just something so special about a girl who exclaims "that is beautiful" when she sees a new dress and squeals at the sight of a new beaded necklace. I love that you want to wear a dress everyday, that you can't wait to put it on just to spin in it. You now talk nonstop and will repeat it over and over again until you know you are heard. I love the sound of your voice and your laugh. I love that you sing all the time and that you always want me to "turn it up" when the music gets turned down low in the car. It is fun just to be with you, to just be around you and enjoy you. You are a precious little girl! I treasure having you in my life. Happy 3rd Birthday!

More

The more I seek you
The more I find you
The more I find you
The more I love you

I wanna sit at your feet
Drink from the cup in your hand
Lay back against you and breathe
Feel your heart beat
This love is so deep
It's more than I can stand
I melt in your peace
It's overwhelming

These are the lyrics to a song we sang at church today. I sat at church this morning and my mind was trying to find the words to make sense of what I was thinking. I felt enveloped by God's presence. I sang this song and I was so overwhelmed because I meant it. I mean, for a long time I went to church and sang because, well, because that is just what you are supposed to do. Then eventually I reached a point that I was singing, but the lyrics were hard sometimes because I was not sure I really meant them.

Today I sang. I just sang, and my audience was not the other people in the room, but it was the Lord. I sang and I meant the words I sang. I know that the more I seek Him, the more I find Him. I know the more of Him I find the deeper I fall in Love with Him. I sat in church for a long time thinking that most of the people in that room were no different than me. That they were just singing because they were supposed to, or singing thinking they wished they believed the words, or maybe not, maybe they were scared too really believe.

I've been all those people. Some days still, I want so desperately to see Jesus, to be changed by Jesus, but I get a little afraid because I know He may actually do it. He may really change my heart. He may really ask me to be more than I am ready to be, to give up more than I want to give up. This is a beautifully written post that speaks to this same thing (but with much greater elegance than I can muster).

The sermon today was about what keeps us from sharing our faith. Our pastor came up with 4 points, all of them are valid, but two resonated especially with me. The four points are indifference, fear, skepticism(meaning other peoples skepticism of God and of hypocritical Christians), and discouragement from lack of results. The two that I know the most in my own life are indifference and fear.

For a long time it just did not matter to me where other people were spiritually. I have always enjoyed a good religious debate but most of the time I found people to be a bit extreme in their belief or they had the whatever works for you attitude. There was not really a happy medium that I could see. It did not really matter to me all that much because I believed that God was God and that if He was Lord and Creator of all then all roads must eventually lead to Him, and what about all the good people around me? I do not believe that anymore. I could believe that because I did not have any kind of biblical understanding of who Jesus said He was and who the bible presents as Lord. Jesus tells us their is no way to the Father but through Him (John 14:6) and He says that the road that leads to eternal life is narrow while the road that leads to death is wide and many find it(Matthew 7:13-14). Now, I also know that Jesus loves people! He desires for none to perish. The more I know the Father the more desperate I become for other people to know Him. The more time I spend with Him the stronger His heartbeat for this world becomes. Our pastor made the statement during the sermon that when people saw the Power of God they had to respond. They could no longer be indifferent. Wow! That hit me hard because I know it is true. I know God, I know that He is powerful, and I know that this knowledge has brought me to a point of no longer being indifferent.

This simple reality has caused me quite a bit of pain and discomfort...because I do care. The scab has been pulled off of my hard heart. I have been left open to the pain of caring about people and their salvation, of wanting to desperately share Him with those around me, but being paralyzed with fear, unable to move. That is a hard spot to be in and is one I am all too familiar with. What do I fear? I fear you, I fear rejection, I fear being vulnerable. The more I come to know Jesus the more I realize that nothing excites me quite the way He does. Nothing challenges me and changes me quite the way He does. Nothing gets under my skin and makes me tick quite the way He does. Nothing is capable of captivating my thoughts quite the way He does. Of course this is true...He made me, I made to know Him, to live for Him, to worship Him!

At this point in my life it is hard for me to share who I am without sharing who He is. I pray daily that I continue to become less and He continue to become greater. As I am transformed by Him, it gets hard to make sense out of who I am without sharing a bit about who He is. I did get a chance to write a bit about the Fear to Freedom women's retreat that I went to a few weeks back. Prior to the retreat I began to sense that the Lord had a message for me to hear. He did have a message for me. He wanted me to realize that He was become greater in my life. He was becoming more and that I was beginning to move from head knowledge to heart knowledge. I was beginning to really believe who He is. It was the same kind of experience I had today. One when I just knew, that I knew, that I know who He is. One when I got to sit in awe of who He is is and how He works. Another comment made in the sermon today was that maybe it is possible to be so engaged in faith that you don't even think about fear. Well, I am not to that point, but I am moving that direction. I realized that the past 5 years have been about teaching me how to really believe Him, how to really trust Him. Not just to say it, not just to sing it, but to believe it. Their really is a world of difference in that. He has been using different acts of obedience and seeking to prepare me to fall recklessly. Their is something I love about the idea of reckless abandon into Jesus' arms. When I am fully in His arms, I can rest no mater what the circumstance. When I am fully with Him I am free from fear because His perfect love casts out fear.

Sweet Mercy

Over the past several days I have been thinking a lot about my friend and her loss. I keep having Isaiah 61:1-3 come to my mind over and over. It says

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.

Saturday night a friend and I arrived in Dallas. We went by the hospital and saw our friend and then went to a hotel room for the night. I could not sleep. My mind would not stop running so I grabbed my bible and headed to the bathroom. I just started reading. I have read this scripture many times, frequently in relation to greif and loss so I thought of it and I read it. I started praying for the Lord to redeem this event over time and to do just what the scripture says...to give her a crown of beauty, to grant the oil of gladness in her heart, and to clothe her in praise instead of despair. The next line says they will be called oaks of righteousness. What comfort I found in that, line. Oak trees are large, they are firmly planted and their roots run deep. I prayed this for her.

I began to reflect on my own journey and walk through the loss of our baby. His name was Trevor. He was my first introduction into motherhood. With him I experienced intense love and intense loss. His life was not in vain, the Lord used this time. The Lord changed the direction of my path. He changed the desires of my heart. He showed me how small I was and how desperately I needed my Lord, a God much bigger than the one I knew. He set me on a path of learning to trust Him, learning how to surrender to Him.

Through Trevor the Lord taught me about love and about loss. He taught me about future expectations, expectations not fulfilled. He taught me how fragile life is. But more than anything He taught me about the Lord's goodness. He taught me about a God who is always present, who gives me the strength to go on even when I doubt it is possible. He taught me about a God who remains close even when I doubt His goodness, which is the very nature of who He is. So even when I doubt Him, He remains. He taught me how to stand up under the weight of the world. And in the end, He showed me how He could take this loss and He would bestow on me a crown of beauty, the oil of gladness, and a garment of praise.

I can no longer look back with even a hint of bitterness, but rather with nothing but praise on my lips. As a result of Trevors life I began a journey that lead me to the feet of my Savior in ways I had never experienced before. When Aidan was born the Lord used him to break me once again. I got the message that Aidan was His child, His creation, and he was my gift. A gift from the very hands of the Lord...that is what I had been given. I had a new since of responsiblity and I was terrified to move. I was overwhelmed by the job of mother so again, I was sent to my Saviors feet. He has a funny way of keeping me on my knees and I am so thankful for that. As the Lord continued to heal me He taught me about joy, true joy that cannot come from my husband, or my kids, but only from His hand. Don't get me wrong...my husband and kids are both a source of much joy, but they cannot be my ultimate source of joy, that only comes from Him. God has even been so gracious to redeem the day that I delievered Trevor. In His sweet mercy, He allowed me to deliver Rebecca on that same day 4 years later. That day no longer has a scent of mourning, but rather the oil of gladness...a celebration of life. I did not realize how significant that was for me until this past week. I knew and it was special, but I now treasure that display of God's mercy.

My heart is truly broken for my friend. I greive with her for her loss and the suffering she will endure, but I know hope! He is our hope. He will give her the oil of gladness, a crown of beauty, and a garland of praise just like He has for me.

Happy Valentine's Day

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and although my husband and I don't really celebrate it (we will be spending Valentine's Day at the gym doing a spin class...pretty romantic, huh?) I thought I would write about some things I LOVE.

Aidan, I love...
***that you enjoy playing games together as a family and will pass up almost anything for a good board game or Uno.
***that you have somehow convinced your mom and dad that it is ok to play a game of indoor soccer in our hallway (while Andrew is toted on my hip). I love the many high fives you give me while we beat your dad...we make a good team.
***the way your smile and your laugh light up our home. It is such a joy to watch you develop your own silly style.
***that you are such a good big brother to Rebecca and Andrew. It brings me such joy to watch my kids enjoy spending time together (that is of course, in between the arguing and tattling).
***that you are such a big thinker and you ask lots of questions about God.
*** that you love God and our family.

Rebecca, I love...
***your super sweet kissable cheeks.
***the many faces you make throughout a day.
***the way you laugh, it is contagious.
***the way you have put a little skip into your run.
***snuggle time with Becca and the way you tell me you love me so many times in a day.
***the way that you pat the pillow in your bed to let me know to come lay down during our bedtime routine and that you are eager to pray every night.
***the way you get your words mixed up ( i.e., the whole month of December you called reindeer kangaroo, and the fact that you really think Animal Planet is Pizza Planet no matter how many times we correct you).

Andrew, I love...
***Your beautiful blue eyes.
***Your big toothy grin, it just melts my heart.
***The way you smile and laugh at Aidan and Rebecca. I can already tell that you are so ready to join in the playtime with your siblings.
***The way you open and close your hands over and over when you are excited and want me to come get you.
***To smother you in kisses after your bath when you smell so stinkin good!
***The sweet sound of your voice when you say Ma Ma Ma Ma!
***Watching you change daily, you are growing so fast.

Trace, I love...
***the way you can make me laugh (I don't frequently admit it but you are one of the most amusing people I know).
***that you challenge me to think deeper about God and to love Him more.
***that you are my very best friend, what a privilege to share my life with my best friend.
***that you complain so little about the things that drive you crazy about me!
***that you pray for me and with me.
***that you love the Lord and seek to lead our family closer to Him.
***that you are willing to forgive me when I don't deserve to be forgiven.
***that I can trust you.
***that you are a good dad. I love watching you play with our children.
***that you love, support, and believe in me.

God, I love...
***that all of these things are gifts from your hand.
***that you love me despite the fact that I am not worthy of your love.
***that I can trust you, for you never change!
***that you pour out your mercy and grace upon this family.
***that you are in the business of redeeming lives for your glory and I am privileged enough to be redeemed by your love and goodness.
***that I know you, the only one that satisfies.
***that you would send your son to die on a cross so that I could taste eternal life.
***that you are at work right this moment in my life, in my family, and everywhere!
God you are so good, I will sing your praises! I will declare your goodness. I will shout it from the rooftops. FOR YOU ARE HOLY, YOU ARE LORD, YOU ARE WORTHY TO BE PRAISED. YOU ARE MIGHTY AND YOU ARE MY LORD! YOU ARE THE CREATOR OF HEAVEN AND EARTH. THE ANGELS DECLARE OF YOUR GLORY. I LOVE YOU LORD!

Moved with Compassion

Look what God is doing! I am so excited to follow the journey of a group of bloggers who are headed to Uganda with Compassion International. They will be blogging their experience as they get to see first hand the work that Compassion does and they get a taste of how great the need is. You absolutely have to read this amazing post by Shaun Groves, he is a singer/songwriter who is going on the trip. Pick a few of these bloggers and follow along with me.

Hail, Mexico, and Suffering

Here is your warning...This is a long catch-up post so it will have several unrelated topics which will be addressed. For the sake of time and plain boredom, feel free to skip a paragraph or two and only read the ones that are of interest to you...not that you need my permission.

I was in shock today...I ran out to check the mail and the sky looked pretty nasty, the wind was up, and I could tell a storm was coming. Literally within minutes I heard the rain so hard I thought someone was banging on our back door. I looked outside and saw golf ball size hail falling from the sky. It was brief...it only lasted for about 5 minutes, but it was long enough to wake up Andrew who was sleeping soundly until the loud thuds threatened to break the window in his room. The kids had lots of questions about the hail (you know, what is it?, what makes it happen?, why did it stop?, etc., etc.) and their super smart mommy on the is Super Tuesday gave many exasperated I don't knows and even resorted to well, I am not God so I don't get to know that. It was fun to go outside and play with the balls of ice after it was over and done with though.

I told you I have had the flu and I have felt better for about 5 days now, but I am just so stinking tired...I can't seem to get my energy level back and I want to sleep every chance I get. I took two short naps today and I am looking forward to bedtime which is coming soon. Surely this can't last much longer...I have floors to clean (and I can ignore them for quite an impressive amount of time, but I am beginning to feel like it must be done soon, since I saw the baby pick up some ball of dirt or debris and try to eat it), I have laundry to do, and the organizational level of this house is beginning to make me crazy! It is nice to be feeling better, but I am feeling a bit overwhelmed by my house and the kids could really use a mommy, please sit and play day. Hopefully the remainder of this week will leave some time for all of that...if I could just stay awake when my kids are occupied.

Before getting sick, little Rebecca and I had a mommy and me day. It was our first and I invision many, many more in the years to come. She is so sweet and it was fun to get to focus just on her for once...I also must say that having one with you is a peice of cake when you are used to toting around 3 kids. I really felt like it was a vacation. We went to Dallas, had lunch with my grandfather, sister-in-law, and my neices. We then went to a baby shower for my cousin which was the reason for making the trip and then we went and hung out at the house of one of my dear friends from HS. It was such a good visit. Meridith is the kind of friend that I can go months without talking to her much, but we have just known each other for so long that we pick right back up. Finally we sropped at Chick-fil-A for some play time and nuggets before heading back. It was a good day.

The Haglers will be Mexico bound this summer. Trace and I are so excited! We attended a meeting about short term missions recently at our church. We heard about several awesome mission trips that God is putting together that would be absolutely amazing experiences, however we just don't feel like most of them are feasible for our family at this point. We did hear about a group that goes to Matamoros, Mexico every year. They go and stay at an orphanage for about a week and they run a VBS for the kids in the orphanage, they set up an area where they meet some minor medical needs for the community, and this year they will be doing some minor construction work at the orphanage. Matamoros is only about 10 miles across the border, but it is across the border. We will have to get some shots, and we will have to sacrifice a few of the luxuries of home (the big one for me is going to be air conditioning during the day, but we will have it while we sleep). We are the most excited about the fact that we can go as a family. We get to travel with other families that have a heart for missions and a desire to go and serve. That in and of itself will make the experience worth it. We are eager to see how God uses this to change our hearts! We are eager to get out there and do something and we are eager to do that as a family. I am dreaming of making this trip a regular family event, of raising kids who have a heart to see God move through missions and who desire to be a part of what God wants to do. I don't know what impact this will have on me, I have never taken a mission trip, I have never sweated for Jesus as I tried to show a little of His love to those I come in contact with, but I know this is an experience that will forever change me and right now I desire to be changed. I desire to be shaken, to be emboldened with the Holy Spirit, to share Jesus Christ (the only one who satisfies) with those around me. I don't think I have to go to Mexico to do that, but I do think it will help me in the process of being transformed. I don't know what to expect for my family, but I am excited about the unexpected!

Lastly, I have thought a bunch about suffering for the sake of Christ lately. I think that the Bible makes it very clear that if you follow Christ...YOU WILL SUFFER for His name sake. The problem that I have had lately is that I don't really suffer and I suffer so little that I even wonder what kind of Christian life am I living. Do I look any different than those around me? Am I any better at loving those around me than the nonbeliever down the street? The bible says work out you salvation with fear and trembling (Philipians 2:12). What does that mean? Does that mean that I should question these things? Does that mean that I should wonder if I have really been set apart by the Holy Spirit? I mean, don't get me wrong, God has changed my heart and I am different than I was 5 years ago. I think different, I believe different, and I do believe I act a little different, so I must be His; I am His child. I know He has changed me! The question is...How much have I let Him change me? Have I let Him change me to the point that Paul says...I count all things loss, but the surpassing knowledge of Christ Jesus (Philippians 3:8)? All things? Do I count all things but loss compared to Him. Is He my only desire? Do I want to or am I willing to really suffer for the sake of His name? Well, I can answer one part of that...no, I do not want to suffer, but am I willing? Could I do it? Could I be beaten and spit on and still follow Him? I do not know. It makes me uncomfortable to think about it, but I think from time to time, I should think about it. I think sometimes I should struggle with the fact that I don't really suffer for His names sake. I do realize that I have not been called to that kind of suffering and I am thankful for that, but sometimes I wonder if He hasn't called me because I am not capable...I would break under the pressure. I was recently in a room of Christians that I respect. People that I believe do try to live the Christian life and who do seek to do Jesus' will, but I left with this topic heavy on my heart. The topic of suffering came up and someone felt the need to say we all suffer...we all suffer in some way ( whether it is giving financially or not buying something I want for the sake of God's name, or being ridiculed a little by people around us or whatever). Really? Does that count? Is that suffering for the sake of Christ or is that an American Christians way of feeling ok for the life we live and the little, tiny amount we suffer? How come we can't just sit and be uncomfortable? Why can't we take that discomfort to our Heavenly Father and pour our struggle out to Him and see how He responds? Why do we always have to make it ok? Why do I feel a need to justify my lack of suffering, my relatively easy life? Christians around the world do suffer for the sake of Christ. They are imprissoned and beaten. They are deserted by family and some times they do not even have food to eat. Can I compare my life to that? Do I really partake in the suffering of Christ? Just a question, a struggle I have had within myself...I would love your thoughts.

Merry Christmas

I had such a sweet time with the Lord this morning. I decided that I wanted to read the Christmas story and spend some time reflecting on the reason we celebrate Christmas...the birth of a baby that will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace (Isaiah 9:6).

God does not cease to amaze me. I read and was amazed once again by His goodness. I think the thing that keeps hitting me this year is that He did not have to do this. He did not have to come, but in His goodness He chose to come, to be mocked, to be tempted, to be hated, and to be murdered. I just can't separate these two events. He came so He could die. He came to redeem His people. He came to display His glory and His splendor!

Can you imagine being Mary? Have you ever really pondered this. She was obviously a young girl of great faith. We know this by the way she responded and believed that she would have the Lord's son. She experienced so many great things and people spoke great words about this baby who would be born to her. An Angel appeared to her and called her favored one
(Luke 1:28). The angel said this baby would be called great and the son of the Most High (Luke 1:32). Elizabeth saw her and said she is blessed among women and called her the mother of her Lord (Luke 1: 42 an 43). Mary was so overwhelmed by these experiences that she broke into song praising her God. A little later we hear Zacharias speaking of the Christ who will born and says the Lord has raised up a horn of salvation for us (Luke 1:69).

Then the day comes for Jesus to be born, to have His humble earthly beginning. He was born among the animals, He was worshipped by the lowly shepherds who reported to Mary and Joseph how the angel had appeared to them and said I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger. Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests." (Luke 2:10-14).

And how did Mary respond to these strangers who brought this news...she treasured these things in her heart, and pondered on them (Luke 2 :19). A few days later, Jesus is taken to the Temple to be circumcised when they met Simeon. The Holy spirit had revealed who Jesus was to Simeon and he spoke saying "my eyes have seen your salvation" ( Luke 2:30).

I don't know why all these things were said, but I wonder if part of the reason was not for Mary. Can you imagine hearing such a clear message from the Lord about your child? She must have felt overwhelmed by the presence of our Lord and the words that had been spoken to encourage her. She must have known deep connection with the Father at this time. She was just a simple girl and God had shown His favor on her. I wonder if much of this was not to prepare her for the suffering that she too would experience. After all this encouragement Simeon goes on to say that This child is destined to cause the falling and rising of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be spoken against, so that the thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. And a sword will pierce your own soul too. (Luke 2: 34-35).

This may have been her first glimpse at the suffering the future would hold for Jesus, and as his mother, for Mary. She is told that a sword would pierce her soul also, but in the Fathers goodness He had prepared her. She was favored by God and the scriptures tell us so often that those who are favored, those who are chosen are called to suffer. And she would suffer...she would see her son murdered in a violent and awful way. She would be so torn and hurt in her flesh...but she had this experience this bold encounter with the Lord to fall back on! We can see how the Lord was Mary's Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace (Isaiah 9:6). How has He been this for you this year? These are the things I will, like Mary, ponder in my heart today. Will you join me?

I will leave you with a few pictures from Aidan's Christmas play at school. He was Joseph and the play was so adorable! It brought tears to my eyes to see the way the Lord is writing His word on these kids hearts. I also put a couple before church yesterday. Enjoy and have a very Merry Christmas!

A Favorite Tradition

I just took down our annual Thanksgiving Tree. For the last three years we have made a tree from sticks and paper leaves and we write the things we are thankful for on the leaves at dinner on the days leading up to Thanksgiving. Then I take down our tree and copy everything onto a piece of paper that I keep. It is one of my favorite family traditions that I hope to continue for many years to come! This year the kids felt a need to list as many things as they could think of, which was great, especially since Thanksgiving snuck up on me and we only had three nights to do our leaves. Here are some of my favorite things that were mentioned (there are many more but I will only bore you with a few):
My list included hearing Aidan and Rebecca sing songs to God, the kids laughter and smiles, the new addition to our family this year (Andrew), and Aidan's newly discovered artistic ability.
Aidan is thankful for his family, himself, the oldest member of our family, our money (aka daddy's job), Andrew laughing, UNO, Jesus, and meat and cheese sandwiches (Like father like son).
Rebecca is thankful for going pee pee and poo poo in the potty, PB&J, Pink and purple, the stars, Daddy, Aidan, Andrew laughing, Mimi, Papa, Gran, and Bob (did you notice whose name is not on the list because I did), and a cookie (my kind of girl). She also spontaneously transferred the idea of thankfulness to prayer and insisted I write that Becca prays for Andrew, Becca, and Aidan to obey mommy and daddy. I thought that was sweet because when we pray we give thanks to God so it made perfect sense to her to pray for them.
And Last was daddy's leafs which, are always my favorite. He is thankful for competitive Uno, Cinderella's who wake up early, Aidan's "awesome God", and eyes that stay blue. Sweet Huh? I hope you all had a very Happy Thanksgiving! We have so many gifts, I cannot name them all.

Baby Dedication

This past Sunday was baby dedication Sunday at our church. We have never participated in a baby dedication with any of our children so we decided that we wanted to dedicate all three of them. It was a really sweet time for me. Mimi (my mom) was able to come and be a part of this special day for our family which meant a lot to me. The church put up a picture of the kids on the big screen. I told you in a previous post that it is so hard to get 3 kids to look and take a decent picture so above is the one we used. We tried and I probably took close to 40 pictures and this is the best we got? Oh well, they will all be older one day.
Anyways, back to the point. The kids each got a small bible with their names on it and Aidan and Rebecca just ate that up. Rebecca was especially excited because her bible was pink. The purpose of the baby dedication is to offer our children back to God, after all He is their Creator. He was just gracious enough to allow me to be a part of the process. It is also a time for us to commit to raising them in the knowledge of the Lord and for the congregation to commit to supporting and praying for us during the process. All this got me thinking back over the years and the way that God has changed my heart. He is Good, all the time!
The couple people who read this are probably familiar with my story, but this time has made me want to reflect a bit. So here goes...I went to Texas Tech for college, largely because it was far away from home and I had some need to prove my independence or something? While I was there I saw how weak I was. I was partying at every chance I got. It took me a while to make close friends and for the first time in my life I struggled with knowing who I was and I began asking all those life questions. Ultimately I felt empty. As I sought something deeper, something bigger, God began to lead me to Him, however distorted my view of Him was. He is so good to meet us where we are and carry us until we can meet Him face to face and begin to be changed. I had been a church going christian as a kid, but I guess the foundation was not solid and I questioned everything. I would say I was pretty close to the belief that all roads lead to heaven, because there is only one God. I never denounced Christ but I was not following His teachings or placing my faith in Him. I might as well have denounced Him because I was basically saying His death on the cross was insignificant. Who am I to say such a thing, and yet God still loved me and still guided me. His grace overwhelms!
I did look for something spiritual. I quit drinking and I prayed to God. I used some devotionals that taught spiritual principles, but I did not read my bible and I did not really know Jesus Christ.
While I was at school I met Trace who would become my future husband. We started dating. He became my best friend. We spent much of our time together and we got engaged on Christmas Day in 2000. One month later we found out that we were pregnant. That threw a huge kink in my plans. I was going to graduate in May and I had just taken the LSAT and was planning to go to Law School. How could I have a new baby and go to law school? Trace still had another whole year of school, how was this supposed to work? We started going to the doctor and I got excited about this life that was growing in me. Yes it messed up my plans, but I begin to believe that it was going to be OK. I believed that God was part of creating this baby so He would provide.
We got married on April 7th. On April 13th I was in the hospital to deliver the baby that we lost. I was 18 weeks along though they said the baby measured to be about 15 weeks. I was angry! How could a loving God allow this to happen? Was this some kind of sick game? But again God was good. He allowed me to cast my anger on Him. I do not believe that it was the right response, but it was my response. I vividly remember praying and saying, Look, I am mad at you and if I thought I could get through this on my own believe me I would try, but I know I am weak. I need you to carry me through this. It was this huge point of surrender! I quit trying to fight Him.
I do not know why the circumstances of life happened the way they did. I am not sure I know all the reasons God allowed this pain in my life, but I do know that He used this. He changed my heart, he changed my plans, He changed my goals. I said above I wanted to be a career woman, but now I wanted nothing more than to have a family. I never expected to be a stay at home mom, now I desired desperately to have babies and be at home with them. About 9 months later I was pregnant again with Aidan. Trace still was in school but would graduate soon and we were hoping he would get a job and I could stay at home with the baby. When it came time for him to look for work the market was low and he had trouble finding a place to work. He was offered a job here in Tyler, against my wishes to never live in Tyler again, he accepted and we moved to Tyler. We had Aidan and God used this teeny little baby to break me into pieces. I became overwhelmed with the knowledge that this was God's child and I would be held accountable to Him for the way that I raised him. I wanted Aidan to know Jesus Christ and to have a real relationship with Him. I had know idea how to aid in the process of making this happen. I was lost, so I sought Him hard. I prayed for Aidan and I asked God to teach me. I fell before the King and I told Him, I can't do this. If I am going to be the mother to one of your most precious children you are going to have to show me how. I am lost, I am afraid to move. Teach me. Lead me. Again, God is Good, all the time! He loved my offering of brokenness! He loved the fact that I surrendered and gave myself to Him to be taught.
I very quickly learned that my kids would never buy into this God thing if I didn't buy into it 100%. If I did not live authentically before my kids then they would never be able to live authentically. My prayers shifted to being more about changing me and less about my kids at all. I had to be changed. To be made into a new creature. God is doing that! He is faithful! I pray to see how much He loves me. To know Him intimately. I have to know Him if I am going to teach my children who He is. As I have gotten a taste of God, I want more. I want to live and breath Jesus! I always want to seek Him more. I pray that He never lets me loose my focus. That he always points me to Him. After all, He has been Lord in every step of this process! He is Good all the Time!
I think about Trace and myself. I think about the fact that we were two young foolish kids when we met, yet God had His hand on us. We have done so many things wrong by most standards, but God still loved us back to Him. We were pregnant when we got married, we did not go to church and we did not desire to. We were lost in many ways. We did not know better. God is teaching us. He is full of Grace, Love, and Mercy! He is good all the time! It blows me away to look back and see how God works. Is He alive and active? I see Him working everyday. The fact that we are active members of a church did not happen because of us, it was Him. The fact that we pray with our kids did not happen because of us, it was Him. The fact that we are seeking to train our children in the knowledge of the Lord did not happen because of us, it was Him. We are not model Christians, we are sinners who desperately need God's Grace, as much now as in the past. He is faithful to give that to us. He is good, all the time!

Maybe this explains why this was such a special day for me. I feel like we have already dedicated our children to the Lord, but this was a chance to do it publicly. We realize they are His and we (to some degree) realize what a mighty job He has given us. He has asked us to raise them, to train them, to shepherd them. They are such a special flock. I thank God for them daily!


Aidan checking out his new bible.
Becca and her new pink bible.
The family
Daddy and Andrew

Happy Birthday to Me! Happy Birthday to Me!

I know it is a selfish title but, it is my blog. Last Thursday, November 1, I celebrated my 29th birthday. I celebrated the special day by cleaning up pee on the floor many, many times. If you remember that was the 1st day of potty training. I actually did not even think about the fact that it would be on my birthday when I started planning and by the time I realized it I had already decided that this was the best time to do it. No turning back!!! So I spent most of the day driving my toddler crazy and bringing her to the point of exasperation many times as I followed her around an forced her to sit on the toilet. By bed time I was exhausted and so I went to bed early (or more accurately fell asleep on the couch and went to bed about 1 a.m.). Yippee! I told you my life was exciting!!!!
Actually, do not let me lead you to believe that my husband did nothing special for me. He outdid himself. I tell him things I like or would like all the time and so often I think he is not listening, or worse he does not care, but that is not the case. He told me last Saturday that he needed to get a few things and wanted to run some errands. We went to Dillard's where he asked me to help him find some dress slacks. He is super casual, right down to his khaki pants and I have told him many times that it would mean the world to me if he would dress nicely and take me out...like a real date where he is trying to impress me. He then told me that he wanted to go out for my birthday next Saturday and (don't miss this part) HE ALREADY HAD GOTTEN A BABYSITTER! WOW! I don't have to find a babysitter! Then he gave me a gift card from Dillard's that he had already gotten. So in summary, we went shopping together for him to get something that I LIKE to wear on our date that HE already had gotten a babysitter for and then he gave me a gift certificate for me to go shopping for myself. I was feeling pretty special and on top of that he got me some perfume and gave that to me on my actual birthday.

So when Saturday night rolled around I decided I wanted to go to Outback for steak. We dressed nicely for each other, went to eat, and we did not talk about the kids the entire night (actually we talked about them very little). It was so nice, and to top it all off one of the project managers that Trace works with was there and he decided to surprise us by picking up the tab on our bill! What a surprise to hear that we owed NOTHING! We were both blown away. Thank you Wade!!! It was such a great evening! I felt very special and loved!
So what is it like to be 29...not much different than 28, but it has gotten me to stop and reflect a bit on this past year. I have had my third child, graduated from graduate school, and attended my 10 year High school reunion. All of those are pretty crazy! It has been 10 years since I graduated from High School and I think I can say I have grown up quite a bit from the rebellious, selfish 18 year old I was to what I am today. Sad thing is that I still struggle with with feeling rebellious and I am still pretty selfish most of the time. There is just this part of me that does not want to submit to authority of any kind. It can make life hard when I know the right thing to do but every fiber of my being is screaming for me not to do it. Thank God some of that obvious blatant rebellion is gone, but it is still a struggle at times in my marriage and in my other relationships. As for the selfishness, I don't know that I will ever rid myself from that. Every time I get frustrated with one of my kids or my husband it can generally be linked back to my selfish heart. I HATE THAT!! I am thankful for the fact that God promises to finish the work He has begun in me.
So it has been 10 years since H.S. and 5 years since I became a mom. That one blows me away! What a journey! What a joy! Yes, there are frustrations but there is so much joy!!! God, I thank you for the gift of motherhood!! This is but one more milestone that shows me how I have been changed by God. I cannot believe how much change can come about in 10 years, but particularly in the last 5. Heck, in just one year my life has changed! I am looking forward to what the future holds and I hope to rid myself even more of this selfishness and rebellion! I know the Lord is faithful and I hold firmly to His promise of change and transformation into the image of His Son. I am His workmanship created to do the works He has prepared for me in advance (my paraphrase Ephesians 2:10). Here's to the next year, whatever it may hold!!!

P.S. Just in case you are curoius...Rebecca has had one accident since her nap on Friday! Thanks for your prayers. She now sits on the potty, pees, and says "I pee pee, clap you hands mommy". So cute!!