The Final Lamb

I am winding up my time in BSF for the year. We have been reading the book of Matthew and as we have approached the time of the crucifixion my prayer has been that I will see the Lord more clearly and love Him more as a result. God is already answering that prayer! He is so faithful. Things have been clarified for me that I have never seen before. I have been brought to tears many times as I have reflected on my sin and the cup of wrath that Jesus would obediently drink on my behalf and the behalf of so many others. What a mighty God we serve. He is the suffering servant, He is the lamb who was to be slain for our sins. He is my sacrifice! He is my savior. It is by His blood that I am healed.

We read in Matthew 26 where the Lord had the last meal with His disciples and He introduced them to the Lords Supper. We also had a chance to go back and look at the Passover. At this time the Disciples and all Jews would have been preparing to partake in the passover meal which represented the deliverance from the rule of Egypt for them. They would be sacrificing a lamb whose blood represented their covering from death that had occurred at the first passover event. The symbolism has amazed me. The Lord in His sovereignty would determine that the right time for His son to die would be during passover. He would be the ultimate Lamb whose blood would represent freedom from death due to our sin. We are washed and made clean because of His blood!

One thing that I have always missed in the past is that after the Israelites sacrificed the Lamb they would be commanded to eat of the lamb. How did I never get the fact that the Lord was asking us to eat this bread (His broken body) and drink this cup (his blood poured out for our sins) to remember the sacrifice He had made just like He commanded the Israelites to eat the Lamb. Slavery to the Egyptians and the passover existed so that we may be able to understand the great sacrifice that the Lord was going to make. It is no coincidence that the Lord would be crucified at Passover. It was no coincidence that His people had always understood that freedom came from sacrifice. It is no coincidence that the Lord set this historical time in place and used it to point to Him and His final fulfillment. The yearly sacrifice is no longer needed! He paid it all! He drank the cup of all the wrath of the Father. Oh, Lord Jesus, you paid a debt I could never pay! May I never forget, even for a moment, the cost of my sin and the sacrifice that you made becoming my Lamb.

Moved with Compassion

Look what God is doing! I am so excited to follow the journey of a group of bloggers who are headed to Uganda with Compassion International. They will be blogging their experience as they get to see first hand the work that Compassion does and they get a taste of how great the need is. You absolutely have to read this amazing post by Shaun Groves, he is a singer/songwriter who is going on the trip. Pick a few of these bloggers and follow along with me.

The Little Things

OK, I am a bit trepidatious as I sit to write this...not because I am going to write some big deep thing that you don't already know, but because I am about to share with you one of the times that God spoke to me. These times get me at my core, they make me stop and ponder, they catch me with weight and slow me down. They are some of my most treasured times. Much of the time the things He says to me are things I already know on some level, but they are things that I do not practice well. So here goes...

I have written several times about resting in God and that He has been teaching me about this for the past several months. He has been at work on my heart in this area for quite some time. I love the scriptures about resting in Him, resting in my Father who I can trust and depend on, resting in the only one who can truly make me complete. I have been learning about this. I have been listening, but some times (really, most of the time) I need to be told over and over again before I get it.

So last week I was standing in the kitchen, making lunches and I was thinking about how much effort it feels like I expend at times and how worn out I am at times. I was thinking about how some days it just feels like I fight to get through them and I miss the joys of having 3 little kids around me. I was thinking about how I loose my patience and snap at my kids and I was thinking about the fact that Trace, Aidan, Rebecca, and Andrew are the 4 most important human beings in my life and that they are the ones who I hurt the most with my tongue and with the anger that gets stored up in my heart when I don't get my way. I was thinking about how this has seemed to be the case more since having baby number 3. So I am thinking these things and then all of the sudden I heard myself say ( yes, I realize this means I am admitting I was talking to myself and yes, I know that makes me crazy)"I am just stretched too thin." And you know what, when I said that I felt freedom. I told you this isn't some big deep mystery...having three little kids stretches you very thin. But when I said this I was truly admitting my weakness and when I am weak God is strong!!! I really cannot express how immediately God ministered to my soul in that moment. I felt a deep satisfaction in that moment! For that moment I drank and I was satisfied. My life circumstances did not change. I did not get time away alone to refresh, but in an instant I was weak, I was in need, and I knew exactly what I needed. It was not anything that "me time" would fix...I needed the Savior, I needed rest, I needed to be satisfied in Him.

So this is what I have learned...God desires for me to know how much I need Him. I told you these are things I know, but they just hit me in new ways from time to time and this time I realized how much I have been compartmentalizing my life. I have certain things that I believe are spiritual and I ask God for help with these things...things like praying with and for my kids, talking to my kids about who God is, studying scripture, and responding to scripture. I even ask for help in areas where I sin, because I know that these are things that separate me from Jesus. I pray about being a light for Him when I am around friends, family, and strangers alike, that I won't be a stumbling block for someone else, but I don't pray for the daily tasks because I seem to think I can do those on my own. I don't depend on God as strongly on the days when I plan to just be at home. I don't ask God to strengthen me to help me feed, bath, read to, and play with my kids. For some reason, these things just don't seem as unmanageable so I don't ask for help. But all the sudden I knew that when I am overwhelmed it isn't the big things that weigh me down, but it is the little things. Things like bath time, and laundry. Running the vacuum and dusting. And as much as I do enjoy some alone time, that does not fix the problem. I return home to life and to feeling stretched thin, believing that is just the way it is supposed to be. The reality is that I don't always feel like this so I know there is another way, I just HAVE to ask my Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer, to be my strength, to uphold me with His Righteous Right Hand. It isn't in the big things...it's in the little things.

So this is what I learned when God spoke to me, and in an instant I felt better. You would guess that in that moment I hit my knees and praised God for teaching me, for fulfilling me, and that I asked Him to carry me. That is exactly what you would expect, but it is not what I did. Rather I treasured that moment for a little bit and then I got distracted. I got busy and I went about my day in my own strength and power. So once again a few days later I felt the same way. And again, a few days later I felt worn out and beaten up. It finally hit me...I have to actually do the things Jesus shows me to do if I want to see any change. So now, I have prayed, I have confessed that I fall short, I have confessed that I am weak and I have confessed how bad I am at realizing I need Him in the little details. That yes, I am stretched too thin, but that is right where He wants me. Maybe I can finally begin to grasp that He is my every need. Every breath I breath I need Him...especially in the little things!

Baby Dedication

This past Sunday was baby dedication Sunday at our church. We have never participated in a baby dedication with any of our children so we decided that we wanted to dedicate all three of them. It was a really sweet time for me. Mimi (my mom) was able to come and be a part of this special day for our family which meant a lot to me. The church put up a picture of the kids on the big screen. I told you in a previous post that it is so hard to get 3 kids to look and take a decent picture so above is the one we used. We tried and I probably took close to 40 pictures and this is the best we got? Oh well, they will all be older one day.
Anyways, back to the point. The kids each got a small bible with their names on it and Aidan and Rebecca just ate that up. Rebecca was especially excited because her bible was pink. The purpose of the baby dedication is to offer our children back to God, after all He is their Creator. He was just gracious enough to allow me to be a part of the process. It is also a time for us to commit to raising them in the knowledge of the Lord and for the congregation to commit to supporting and praying for us during the process. All this got me thinking back over the years and the way that God has changed my heart. He is Good, all the time!
The couple people who read this are probably familiar with my story, but this time has made me want to reflect a bit. So here goes...I went to Texas Tech for college, largely because it was far away from home and I had some need to prove my independence or something? While I was there I saw how weak I was. I was partying at every chance I got. It took me a while to make close friends and for the first time in my life I struggled with knowing who I was and I began asking all those life questions. Ultimately I felt empty. As I sought something deeper, something bigger, God began to lead me to Him, however distorted my view of Him was. He is so good to meet us where we are and carry us until we can meet Him face to face and begin to be changed. I had been a church going christian as a kid, but I guess the foundation was not solid and I questioned everything. I would say I was pretty close to the belief that all roads lead to heaven, because there is only one God. I never denounced Christ but I was not following His teachings or placing my faith in Him. I might as well have denounced Him because I was basically saying His death on the cross was insignificant. Who am I to say such a thing, and yet God still loved me and still guided me. His grace overwhelms!
I did look for something spiritual. I quit drinking and I prayed to God. I used some devotionals that taught spiritual principles, but I did not read my bible and I did not really know Jesus Christ.
While I was at school I met Trace who would become my future husband. We started dating. He became my best friend. We spent much of our time together and we got engaged on Christmas Day in 2000. One month later we found out that we were pregnant. That threw a huge kink in my plans. I was going to graduate in May and I had just taken the LSAT and was planning to go to Law School. How could I have a new baby and go to law school? Trace still had another whole year of school, how was this supposed to work? We started going to the doctor and I got excited about this life that was growing in me. Yes it messed up my plans, but I begin to believe that it was going to be OK. I believed that God was part of creating this baby so He would provide.
We got married on April 7th. On April 13th I was in the hospital to deliver the baby that we lost. I was 18 weeks along though they said the baby measured to be about 15 weeks. I was angry! How could a loving God allow this to happen? Was this some kind of sick game? But again God was good. He allowed me to cast my anger on Him. I do not believe that it was the right response, but it was my response. I vividly remember praying and saying, Look, I am mad at you and if I thought I could get through this on my own believe me I would try, but I know I am weak. I need you to carry me through this. It was this huge point of surrender! I quit trying to fight Him.
I do not know why the circumstances of life happened the way they did. I am not sure I know all the reasons God allowed this pain in my life, but I do know that He used this. He changed my heart, he changed my plans, He changed my goals. I said above I wanted to be a career woman, but now I wanted nothing more than to have a family. I never expected to be a stay at home mom, now I desired desperately to have babies and be at home with them. About 9 months later I was pregnant again with Aidan. Trace still was in school but would graduate soon and we were hoping he would get a job and I could stay at home with the baby. When it came time for him to look for work the market was low and he had trouble finding a place to work. He was offered a job here in Tyler, against my wishes to never live in Tyler again, he accepted and we moved to Tyler. We had Aidan and God used this teeny little baby to break me into pieces. I became overwhelmed with the knowledge that this was God's child and I would be held accountable to Him for the way that I raised him. I wanted Aidan to know Jesus Christ and to have a real relationship with Him. I had know idea how to aid in the process of making this happen. I was lost, so I sought Him hard. I prayed for Aidan and I asked God to teach me. I fell before the King and I told Him, I can't do this. If I am going to be the mother to one of your most precious children you are going to have to show me how. I am lost, I am afraid to move. Teach me. Lead me. Again, God is Good, all the time! He loved my offering of brokenness! He loved the fact that I surrendered and gave myself to Him to be taught.
I very quickly learned that my kids would never buy into this God thing if I didn't buy into it 100%. If I did not live authentically before my kids then they would never be able to live authentically. My prayers shifted to being more about changing me and less about my kids at all. I had to be changed. To be made into a new creature. God is doing that! He is faithful! I pray to see how much He loves me. To know Him intimately. I have to know Him if I am going to teach my children who He is. As I have gotten a taste of God, I want more. I want to live and breath Jesus! I always want to seek Him more. I pray that He never lets me loose my focus. That he always points me to Him. After all, He has been Lord in every step of this process! He is Good all the Time!
I think about Trace and myself. I think about the fact that we were two young foolish kids when we met, yet God had His hand on us. We have done so many things wrong by most standards, but God still loved us back to Him. We were pregnant when we got married, we did not go to church and we did not desire to. We were lost in many ways. We did not know better. God is teaching us. He is full of Grace, Love, and Mercy! He is good all the time! It blows me away to look back and see how God works. Is He alive and active? I see Him working everyday. The fact that we are active members of a church did not happen because of us, it was Him. The fact that we pray with our kids did not happen because of us, it was Him. The fact that we are seeking to train our children in the knowledge of the Lord did not happen because of us, it was Him. We are not model Christians, we are sinners who desperately need God's Grace, as much now as in the past. He is faithful to give that to us. He is good, all the time!

Maybe this explains why this was such a special day for me. I feel like we have already dedicated our children to the Lord, but this was a chance to do it publicly. We realize they are His and we (to some degree) realize what a mighty job He has given us. He has asked us to raise them, to train them, to shepherd them. They are such a special flock. I thank God for them daily!


Aidan checking out his new bible.
Becca and her new pink bible.
The family
Daddy and Andrew

Just Because

I have spent the past several days thinking about the way it felt to receive our dinner treat this past Saturday. If you do not know what I am talking about you can read the entry below, but I will quickly recap...Trace and I went to dinner and one of the guys he works with, Wade, saw us and picked up our tab. He was gone before we even knew. We were simply told we owed nothing. We couldn't argue, object, or even say thanks. We simply had to accept and do nothing in return. So I have been thinking, why is it so hard to accept a gift like this?
As I pondered I had 2 other scenarios come into my mind in which I was blown away by the kindness of someone else! Times when I really felt uncomfortable just accepting the gift I had been given. One of those was this summer when we received a package from some missionary friends of ours (yes, Maggie and Josh if you are reading, I am talking about you). It was a table runner and place mats from Africa where they are. I would not expect it was a huge financial cost to purchase them, but I felt unworthy. I mean we are supposed to support, encourage, and pray for them. They are not supposed to do things for us. It wasn't Christmas time or any other special occasion. Why would someone do that for me? The other situation is when a group of ladies I worked with at the Grace counseling center took me to lunch as my last day approached. They also surprised me with a baby gift (I was pregnant with Andrew). I was not expecting a gift of any kind. I was embarrassed. I did not know how to receive it graciously and part of me just wanted to return it. Why does this go against every part of my nature? Why do my insides want to deny the gifts that I know I don't deserve? What are these gifts that are so hard to accept? They are gifts of grace.
It's the Wade's of this world who pick up your tab, just because. It is the missionary friends who send you a gift, just because. It is the women of this world that God surrounds you with who give you a baby gift, just because. Asking nothing in return, not because they have to, or even because they are expected to, but just because. It is the man on a cross who poured out His blood to cover my sin while I am still a sinner so that I may taste eternal life. Not because He had to, definitely not because I deserve it, but because of who HE is. These are the gifts that are hard to accept.
Grace, grace, God's grace,
grace that will pardon and cleanse within;
grace, grace, God's grace,
grace that is greater than all our sin!
Marvelous, infinite, matchless grace,
freely bestowed on all who believe!
You that are longing to see his face,
will you this moment his grace receive?
(Most of you probably recognize this popular hymn...I stole a few parts)
Were these small, simple acts of kindness and love? To some people they would be, but to me they are divine acts sent by my Heavenly Father to teach me of His Grace, His Might, His Sovereignty, and His Goodness. Lord, I will rest in your Grace. I accept your Grace. I praise you for the blood that was poured out on my behalf. It is available...just because.