Our Official Blog Announcment

Did I bore you to death with my strand of catch up posts? Taking a break on the blog from December to July can leave for a bunch of gaps that need to be filled in. We have actually had some pretty big changes headed down the pipeline and I did not feel completely ready to share those here until a few important steps had been taken. That made it hard to write here at all.


So what is going on? We will be pulling out of our driveway on August 30th and moving to South Texas. We will be joining To Every Tribe Ministries to receive training through the Center for Pioneer Church Planting. The training will take two "school" years to complete. We will spend 40% of our time on the "field" training in Mexico and Papua New Guinea and the remaining 60% of the time is classroom training. Upon the completion of training it is our desire to work with an unreached people group, likely somewhere in Mexico or in PNG, but possibly in a newly identified region.


Over the past 3 years we have been lead by the Lord to have a desire to plant churches in regions where no churches exist. The Lord has taken our desire to know Him and follow the path He has for us and has knit our hearts closely with His desire that all the Nations know Him. He has done this through many instruments, but in particular He has used the church we attend (Grace Community Church ), His Word, and through a class called Perspectives on the World Christian Movement that was hosted by our church along with 2 other local churches. We have come to see and believe that not only are people lost apart from the gospel (though we believe this to be true), but also that Jesus Christ is worthy of worship from every tongue and tribe.

We met the founder of To Every Tribe when he came to speak at Perspectives in the Fall of 2008. After that night we made plans to visit Los Fresnos the following summer to learn more about the ministry and spend time with staff members and other missionaries. We were amazed at the way our hearts seemed to be knit together.

The vision of To Every Tribe is to bring about the worship of Jesus among people who have no access to the gospel. This is achieved by earning the right to be heard and presenting the gospel in ways that make sense within the native culture. Everything To Every Tribe does is intentionally committed to identifying, engaging, and reaching the remaining people groups who have never heard the Gospel. Currently, To Every Tribe is engaged with unreached people groups in Mexico and Papua New Guinea (PNG).

Trace has given his notice at work and his last day will be August 5th. This is one of the things that has kept me from feeling I was able to share on here what we will be doing. We have been raising support for the past several months and at our last update (at the end of June) we had raised approximately 60% of our monthly support. We continue to be awed and amazed by the faithfulness of the Lord to answer our prayers and provide for us. He is involved in the small and the large details. He is Good. We have a wonderful body of believers that are rallying around us and supporting us financially, emotionally, and spiritually.

If you are interested in supporting us through prayer or financially you can contact me an I can let you how to do that. We will be mailing out monthly updates complete with prayer requests so please leave me your email address if you would like to be added to that group. Your prayers are invaluable to us. If you have any questions or comments, please do not hesitate to get in touch with us.


And they sang a new song saying
"worthy are You to take the book and break its seals; for You were slain, and purchased for God with Your blood men from every tribe and tongue and people and nation." Revelations 5:9

Baptism

Trace and Aidan both got Baptized several Weeks ago. It was a very emotional Sunday for this mommy and wife. Trace was baptized as a kid at 14 years of age, but he was not a believer. He has explained to me that he was doing what he thought he was supposed to do after talking with the youth leader at the church he was going to. He might have even been able to answer some of the right questions, but he did not know Jesus Christ. That is a beautiful thing about Christianity...it is all about a relationship. Shortly after that time Trace stopped attending church and started drinking a lot. By the time he was 25 years old he was a full blown alcoholic with nowhere else to go but to move in with his grandmother.

Trace started attending Alcoholics Anonymous and while struggling to find anything that would help him put the pieces together he ended up reading CS Lewis's Mere Christianity. Then one day he encountered the scripture that says "For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it". Right then he believed. Since that that time we have found ourselves back in the church and studying the word. Trace has felt convicted that he needed to be baptized again for a while and he did it this time (by the way, I know Trace would right this differently so please keep in mind that this is me telling his story to the best of my ability). I am so proud of him for responding obediently.

I have talked a little about Aidan's faith journey here. He accepted Christ as his Savior this summer and was eager to take this next step. I love the way baptism happens at our church. First Trace was baptized by our Pastor and then Trace was able to baptize Aidan. It is so special to get to play such an intimate part in your own child's baptism. I am praying that a deep Spiritual Heritage will flow from our generation to the next, to the next, and the next. This is such a beautiful picture of that kind of Heritage. During the baptisms an older man in our church who has a deep love for Jesus was privileged to stand with his two grandsons and their father and together they baptized the young boys. I can only begin to imagine the joy that would come in getting to baptize your grandchildren. God's loving kindness is overwhelming sometimes.

Here is a picture of Dad and son before the baptism.


And here are two in the water. Aidan is entering in the first and in the second you can barely see his head peaking over. I love these pictures (even though the quality is terrible).


Our wonderful Sunday School Class had a party to celebrate and they invited Aidan up for the celebration. This was a really sweet time for me as a mother to have other believers that Aidan did not even really know rally around our family as we celebrated. Aidan was a little overwhelmed by this detail. He could not understand why nor was he prepared to receive the attention.

And last is a picture of my kiddos and the cousins. My brother and his family made the trip to help us celebrate with Aidan. It was a wonderful time Celebrating. my heart overflowed with gladness!!! God is good and faithful to answer our prayers. The drawing of Aidan to Him is a huge answer to prayer!

Rejoicing with the Angels!

On Sunday August 2nd Aidan came home from church and shared with me over lunch that he had become a Christian. I asked him some questions then to try to understand the message that had been shared with him at church that had brought him to this decision. Trace spent some time alone with him just to make sure he knew what it meant and what it means to be a follower of Christ.

Aidan has known the gospel, that Christ alone is able to free him from his sin, and that is why Christ died on the cross, but we were unsure that he had made a personal decision to follow. We have talked about this with him many times and have even discussed baptism, but to insure he understood the choice he was making we wanted to wait to pursue that. I think that is a hard thing to clearly see in the life of a child who grows up hearing about Jesus and all He has done for us. He has always known the right answers but when has the Lord moved in his heart to bring repentance of sin and to see the personal need for a savior. This time he made a decision and it was completely independent of us. He was able to explain to us what it meant to accept Christ as his Savior. It was so cute because for the rest of the day Aidan tried to convince Rebecca that she needed to be a Christian and that they could both become Christians on the same day. I loved his excitement and his eagerness to share Christ with others, although I am not convinced Rebecca fully understands any of it yet.

A few nights later I surprised Aidan with a cookie cake dessert to celebrate. We wanted him to know that this was a cause for rejoicing and that we were so excited that he had made this choice and we were praising God for working in his heart. After the dessert we spent some time in prayer praying for Aidan as a family. We prayed that his faith would grow and be strengthened and that he would comprehend the depths and heights of Christs love for him. I pray that he follows hard after Jesus and that his faith will be tested and proven to be authentic. It is overwhelming to know that the Lord has worked in Aidan's heart this way. I think this is the single most consistent prayer request that I have brought before my Father on behalf of my kids and to see it answered is such a source of joy. Praising the Lord for his faithfulness and the work he has done and will continue to do in Aidan's life!

Giving Thanks!

Aidan had to make a feather to go in a giant kindergarten Turkey. The only directions we received was to decorate the feather with the thing he was thankful for written on the feather. I asked Aidan what he wanted to write, I gathered some paint and craft supplies we had, and this is what he created...



It brings tears to my eyes! Lord, you are so faithful to answer our prayers. You are captivating Aidan's little heart. Lord hold Him tight! May he walk closely with you in righteousness all the days of His life. I pray that He grows into a young man who lives a life radically sold out for Jesus Christ!

His Burden is Light

I haven't written much about what the Lord is teaching me lately. I don't really have a reason, I just know that I have to feel inspired to write those things and I haven't felt that. I would have felt like I was forcing words just to say something deep or spiritual, but that is not the way God works in my life. I don't have to force words, He gives me words, He teaches my soul. I am not a very deep thinker by nature and I am not the best at putting words to what God is teaching me. I can tell when I write something that is from Him, because the words just flow easily.

I don't have a clear message to articulate today, but I felt the urge to write so we will see where this goes. I have felt so near to the Lord lately, He is with me. He is speaking and I pray that I can listen, that I can hear and follow where He leads. This thing called spiritual growth, or maturity, or whatever you want to call it is really such a mystery to me. Every time I walk away from a situation in my life and I speak to God seeking to know what that was all about, asking Him to help me see why He ordained that situation I realize that I have been changed. Every time I think to pray when I am feeling frustrated by my kids, I know that I have been changed. Every time I am driving down the street and my thoughts turn to God, I know that He is alive and working.

You see, that is not me. I am not a person who prays throughout the day, I am not a person who seeks to parent in a way that is pleasing to my Lord and points my kids to the Lord. Well, I guess that may be confusing because it is me, but it only by Gods grace. It is not of me! I get so caught up on comparisons sometimes. Not necessarily material comparisons (although I am just as prone to that as the next guy), but spiritual or emotional. I watch other people and think, God why can't I be calm loving and seasoned with grace with my kids? Why did you not make me more like that? Why can't I be more like so and so or like that person over there? Mind you I forget that I am the person I am, I am the mom that I am, because that is who the Lord has made me and not because of who I am by my very nature. When I play the comparison game I am really saying I am not happy with the way I was made, I am not happy with who I am. When I go to the Lord and thank Him for the changes He has made and is continuing to make and I ask Him to further change me in the areas He is convicting me then I can be grateful for what He has done and thankful for the journey He has me on.

I ran into a woman last night and as I ended the conversation with her I found myself thinking about a possible future event, wondering how I would walk through that and doubting my ability to say yes to the Lord if He called me to that. I stayed there for several hours, feeling burdened and weak. Mind you I had just lead a bible study with several girls and as we discussed things that drive us and push us, idols that we worship (things like approval from others and our our appearances), I took them to the verse that says "Come to me those who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest for your souls" (Matthew 11:28-30). I reminded them that these burdens and pressures we live under are not of the Lord! I told them how special this verse has been to me over the past year and how the Lord has continually brought me back to it. Now, a few hours later, look where I am sitting. I am feeling burdened. I am feeling like I cannot follow the Lord, like I am too weak to take up my cross and walk the path the Lord may be leading me to ( again, notice I said may lead me to...it does involve a direction he is leading but it not a path I am being asked to walk today). I am sitting and feeling discouraged that I can't really do it, I can't really Follow Him in all that entails. I am not capable of being His disciple.

And you know what, I am not. I cannot follow the Lord in my own strength. I can't but I do know that the Lord is and will continue to prepare me for the path He has for me. He has done it in the past and He will do it again. I know that I worship a God who created the heavens and the earth...He is capable of strengthening me and erasing my doubt. And even if He doesn't fully erase my doubt He will strengthen me as I walk through the doubt.

We just watched a movie with a group from church based on the book of John. The thing that stood out to me as I watched was Peter. The Lord told Peter that He would betray Him and He said no Lord, I am willing to die for you. I can relate to that. In a moment of clarity and closeness to the Lord I will lay it all down, I will say Yes Lord, whatever you have for me that is what I desire. I want nothing more than to know you and follow you no matter what that means, but then He asks me to proclaim Him, to put action to that statement and I fail. It may be something as simple as feeling God asking me to say something to someone about who He is or asking me to pray with someone and in that moment, I choose to deny Him and what He asks, and seek comfort out of fear. That is really what Peter did. He denied Him, not once but three times in a row. He chose to let fear reign. How I relate to that. But I found so much comfort in a conversation that the Lord had with Him after he had risen. He asked Peter three times if He loved Him and 3 times Peter said yes. Jesus followed that up by telling him to tend to His flocks. 3 times He asked. 3 times Peter had denied Him. He never condemned Him, but He gave Peter a chance at redemption. What grace, mercy, love, and compassion Jesus showed. Yes, Peter was weak and He failed, but the Lord used that as a chance to strengthen and redeem him. We can see how in the perfect time, Peter was used by the Lord in the remainder of the New Testament. We can see how faithful the Lord is to redeem that which is fallen.

Yes, I am weak, but Christ is strong in my weakness. Yes, I may fail, Yes I may fall, but the Lord is faithful and He is Good. He will redeem! I don't have to trust in my own strength. I can trust in the Lord and I can know that as I wait on His perfect timing He will strengthen me and prepare me. He will never give up on me...For His yoke is easy and His burden is light.

Our Tree

I sat outside on my porch today for nearly an hour. I just sat their, still, quiet. I felt like the Lord was beckoning me to just stop and be for a while, so I grabbed a book (that I never even opened) and headed outside while the little kids napped and Aidan played on the computer. As I sat I noticed a tree that stands at least 50 feet tall. If you would have asked me about my yard I would have never mentioned that tree and if I did, I never would have given it a fair description.

Its funny that we have lived hear for over 3 years and I have never really even noticed that tree. We live a newer neighborhood, one of those where they clear the ground completely and start fresh. There aren't very many trees and the ones that are here are not very impressive. You would think I would have noticed a tree this size in my very own backyard, but I missed it. It is especially surprising since it is the very tree that has provided shade and protection from the sun for my kids as they play in their sandbox. It is the tree that has provided hours of entertainment with the limbs that it has dropped. Limbs that become impressive swords in the hands of a five year old boy. It is also the very tree that has caused that corner of our yard to remain void of grass because of the shade that it provides.

As I sat there, watching the wind gently blow through the leaves and I looked at the limbs that stretched upward I wondered how much more do I miss? How much of God do I fail to see in the busyness of life? How often do I fail to recognize the majesty of my maker? How long did He sit ready to be noticed, beckoning me with His gentle and not so gentle whispers to take note and look up? Now that I do know Him, now that I am a follower of Jesus Christ, how often do I fail to see His hand in my life? How much of Him do I miss because I don't take the time to stop and be still?

While I was outside there was this bird. It seemed to almost circle me as it jumped from tree to tree to tree. The bird had about 4-5 different tunes it could sing and it proudly chirped them all. I was awed by the Lord's creation. I sat still and I witnessed this bird singing praises to our Lord while this tree danced for God as the wind blew and I could do nothing else but join in with all of creation and praise my Father! And in that moment it was clear to me that I, as a Christian, am simply missing so much.

I wonder sometimes how people can deny a God. How can they not see a God so majestic? How can they hear of Him and not worship Him? Today God showed me...it's as simple as failing to notice the gigantic tree that your kids play under nearly everyday. In the busyness of life it is easy to never stop long enough to notice. I mean they may know He is there, they may even talk to Him or talk about Him on occasion, but do they know Him? Do they recognize how Big He is? I knew that tree was there, but I had never recognized the grandeur of it. I had never sat there, knowing my smallness and admiring its size.

Today, I wept. I wept for the person who may claim to know God, but because they don't understand how big and trustworthy God is and just how small and incapable they are, they miss freedom, they miss peace, they miss rest, and comfort, and true purpose. I wept for the person who has never even met God, who does not even realize that He really is there and He really is Good. And today I wept for myself. I wept because even though I know my Lord, so often I miss Him. I miss opportunities to worship Him. I get caught up in me, I get tired, and weary. I forget just who it is I know. I fail to realize just how big He is.

The Final Lamb

I am winding up my time in BSF for the year. We have been reading the book of Matthew and as we have approached the time of the crucifixion my prayer has been that I will see the Lord more clearly and love Him more as a result. God is already answering that prayer! He is so faithful. Things have been clarified for me that I have never seen before. I have been brought to tears many times as I have reflected on my sin and the cup of wrath that Jesus would obediently drink on my behalf and the behalf of so many others. What a mighty God we serve. He is the suffering servant, He is the lamb who was to be slain for our sins. He is my sacrifice! He is my savior. It is by His blood that I am healed.

We read in Matthew 26 where the Lord had the last meal with His disciples and He introduced them to the Lords Supper. We also had a chance to go back and look at the Passover. At this time the Disciples and all Jews would have been preparing to partake in the passover meal which represented the deliverance from the rule of Egypt for them. They would be sacrificing a lamb whose blood represented their covering from death that had occurred at the first passover event. The symbolism has amazed me. The Lord in His sovereignty would determine that the right time for His son to die would be during passover. He would be the ultimate Lamb whose blood would represent freedom from death due to our sin. We are washed and made clean because of His blood!

One thing that I have always missed in the past is that after the Israelites sacrificed the Lamb they would be commanded to eat of the lamb. How did I never get the fact that the Lord was asking us to eat this bread (His broken body) and drink this cup (his blood poured out for our sins) to remember the sacrifice He had made just like He commanded the Israelites to eat the Lamb. Slavery to the Egyptians and the passover existed so that we may be able to understand the great sacrifice that the Lord was going to make. It is no coincidence that the Lord would be crucified at Passover. It was no coincidence that His people had always understood that freedom came from sacrifice. It is no coincidence that the Lord set this historical time in place and used it to point to Him and His final fulfillment. The yearly sacrifice is no longer needed! He paid it all! He drank the cup of all the wrath of the Father. Oh, Lord Jesus, you paid a debt I could never pay! May I never forget, even for a moment, the cost of my sin and the sacrifice that you made becoming my Lamb.

Burdened

I woke up this morning with a heavy heart, literally. I was overcome with this feeling of weight on my chest. I was burdened. I felt like this last night before falling asleep, but I thought it would pass and everything would be fine in the morning. It didn't pass. It isn't as if anything is wrong in my world. I mean we are all healthy, the bills are paid, and life should be just fine...so what is this?

On the way to take Aidan to school I started praying. I was asking my Father what this was, what is going on with me, why does everything feel so heavy? He answered me and this is what He said. I will refer you to this post I wrote a while back. At the end of it I shared a short prayer that says...Lord, forgive me for not being able to pray your Kingdom to come and really mean it. God is answering that prayer. He is opening my eyes to so much that I can barely stand it. I feel overwhelmed by what I am being exposed to. It seems like everywhere I look I see pain and disparity. I see lonely people looking for anything to make them whole. I see people desperate to push God away with anything they can get their hands on because He is simply too much. He is too much for us to handle in our sinful minds, He is too much. I see lost people doing it, I see the "church" doing it, and I see myself doing it.

God is showing me this...I can pray to see more of Him and He will show me more, but am I really ready for that. It makes me think of Moses and how the Lord told him he would only let Him see the back of Him as He was passing because Moses could not stand the weight of the unveiled Glory of God. And then the Israelites were also unable to look on Moses directly because the glory of God still shown upon him. They could not even handle the reflection from the back of my Lord. His glory shines brighter than my eyes can handle. His holiness is more pure than anything I can comprehend. It is just too much and I cannot handle it so I hide. I hide to protect myself from the pain that comes when He shows me my sin. When he shows me how unworthy I am to call Him Father. The closer I get, the longer I sit at His feet the less I feel worthy to do it. I can repeat the words...I am not worthy, I am not worthy, I am a man with unclean lips. That is who I am and my lips are not clean because my heart is not pure. He is Lord and He is full of mercy and I praise Him for that. It is only by His grace that I am justified.

But because it is just too hard to see myself this way, to see this world from His view I continues to hide. I hide by consuming myself with the things of this world. I hide by taking up hobbies and shopping and eating. I hide. None of these things are wrong in and of themself but when they keep me from seeking my Father they become wrong. When they keep me distracted from sharing the Lord with those around me they are wrong. Lord, I am getting the beginning glimpses of being able to honestly say...thy Kingdom Come, and soon! God, you are so faithful to answer even my halfhearted prayers!

So I am burdened...I am burdened by the fact that I get so consumed with stuff. I am burdened that the "church" in some strange way seems to secretly encourage materialism. Secretly encourage chasing the American dream. Secretly encourage early retirement and a life of luxury. I say secretly because we can't say it outwardly, but isn't it true. Isn't that what so many of us seek. Isn't that why I just spent over a $150 dollars to get my kids dolled out for Easter? Who is that for? Who does that glorify? Isn't that all about me? How many of us in the "church" did this? Please hear me say, I don't think this is wrong, it is just one of the many ways I get my priorities all mixed up and focus on the things that distract me from the Lord and Celebrating His resurrection.

I am burdened by the fact that my safety and security feel so easily threatened. Isn't that because I am not fully trusting Jesus? I am burdened by our culture and our consumption. Consumption of everything from food, to clothes, to people. We are consumers that is what we are good at. I am burdened by the fact that when people do decide to make a bold move for the Lord, that if it is a move that strips security and safety, that the greatest discouragement comes from the members of the church. I feel burdened that I live here and I have never really contemplated what my role should be in bridging the cultural and economic gap. And I am burdened that right now I sit here thinking maybe I should just delete this entire post because, well, because it is too much and I feel vulnerable even putting it out there.

God has led me to a place of feeling burdened so now I turn to Him and say Yes, I see it. Yes, I want to look away. I want to scream it is too much. I can't take it and what am I supposed to do with this. That is where I am, but because I know that He is Lord and He has revealed this to me I will choose to sit here, with this burden and ask Him what can I do? Reveal to me my role. Help me to see the next step that you are putting before me, because I feel compelled to do something. I will wait for you to show me where you want me.

More

The more I seek you
The more I find you
The more I find you
The more I love you

I wanna sit at your feet
Drink from the cup in your hand
Lay back against you and breathe
Feel your heart beat
This love is so deep
It's more than I can stand
I melt in your peace
It's overwhelming

These are the lyrics to a song we sang at church today. I sat at church this morning and my mind was trying to find the words to make sense of what I was thinking. I felt enveloped by God's presence. I sang this song and I was so overwhelmed because I meant it. I mean, for a long time I went to church and sang because, well, because that is just what you are supposed to do. Then eventually I reached a point that I was singing, but the lyrics were hard sometimes because I was not sure I really meant them.

Today I sang. I just sang, and my audience was not the other people in the room, but it was the Lord. I sang and I meant the words I sang. I know that the more I seek Him, the more I find Him. I know the more of Him I find the deeper I fall in Love with Him. I sat in church for a long time thinking that most of the people in that room were no different than me. That they were just singing because they were supposed to, or singing thinking they wished they believed the words, or maybe not, maybe they were scared too really believe.

I've been all those people. Some days still, I want so desperately to see Jesus, to be changed by Jesus, but I get a little afraid because I know He may actually do it. He may really change my heart. He may really ask me to be more than I am ready to be, to give up more than I want to give up. This is a beautifully written post that speaks to this same thing (but with much greater elegance than I can muster).

The sermon today was about what keeps us from sharing our faith. Our pastor came up with 4 points, all of them are valid, but two resonated especially with me. The four points are indifference, fear, skepticism(meaning other peoples skepticism of God and of hypocritical Christians), and discouragement from lack of results. The two that I know the most in my own life are indifference and fear.

For a long time it just did not matter to me where other people were spiritually. I have always enjoyed a good religious debate but most of the time I found people to be a bit extreme in their belief or they had the whatever works for you attitude. There was not really a happy medium that I could see. It did not really matter to me all that much because I believed that God was God and that if He was Lord and Creator of all then all roads must eventually lead to Him, and what about all the good people around me? I do not believe that anymore. I could believe that because I did not have any kind of biblical understanding of who Jesus said He was and who the bible presents as Lord. Jesus tells us their is no way to the Father but through Him (John 14:6) and He says that the road that leads to eternal life is narrow while the road that leads to death is wide and many find it(Matthew 7:13-14). Now, I also know that Jesus loves people! He desires for none to perish. The more I know the Father the more desperate I become for other people to know Him. The more time I spend with Him the stronger His heartbeat for this world becomes. Our pastor made the statement during the sermon that when people saw the Power of God they had to respond. They could no longer be indifferent. Wow! That hit me hard because I know it is true. I know God, I know that He is powerful, and I know that this knowledge has brought me to a point of no longer being indifferent.

This simple reality has caused me quite a bit of pain and discomfort...because I do care. The scab has been pulled off of my hard heart. I have been left open to the pain of caring about people and their salvation, of wanting to desperately share Him with those around me, but being paralyzed with fear, unable to move. That is a hard spot to be in and is one I am all too familiar with. What do I fear? I fear you, I fear rejection, I fear being vulnerable. The more I come to know Jesus the more I realize that nothing excites me quite the way He does. Nothing challenges me and changes me quite the way He does. Nothing gets under my skin and makes me tick quite the way He does. Nothing is capable of captivating my thoughts quite the way He does. Of course this is true...He made me, I made to know Him, to live for Him, to worship Him!

At this point in my life it is hard for me to share who I am without sharing who He is. I pray daily that I continue to become less and He continue to become greater. As I am transformed by Him, it gets hard to make sense out of who I am without sharing a bit about who He is. I did get a chance to write a bit about the Fear to Freedom women's retreat that I went to a few weeks back. Prior to the retreat I began to sense that the Lord had a message for me to hear. He did have a message for me. He wanted me to realize that He was become greater in my life. He was becoming more and that I was beginning to move from head knowledge to heart knowledge. I was beginning to really believe who He is. It was the same kind of experience I had today. One when I just knew, that I knew, that I know who He is. One when I got to sit in awe of who He is is and how He works. Another comment made in the sermon today was that maybe it is possible to be so engaged in faith that you don't even think about fear. Well, I am not to that point, but I am moving that direction. I realized that the past 5 years have been about teaching me how to really believe Him, how to really trust Him. Not just to say it, not just to sing it, but to believe it. Their really is a world of difference in that. He has been using different acts of obedience and seeking to prepare me to fall recklessly. Their is something I love about the idea of reckless abandon into Jesus' arms. When I am fully in His arms, I can rest no mater what the circumstance. When I am fully with Him I am free from fear because His perfect love casts out fear.

The Mountain and the Valley

God is busy at work on my heart. I can feel a stirring; however I know that it is beginning to turn into direction and vision. Not specific, but simple things, simple steps on the journey until He reveals the details. I feel so encouraged and connected to my Father. Neat things have happened over the past few weeks. I have picked up books that I am in the middle of to read for a few quiet moments and they all speak directly to me. I have done my BSF lesson and I have heard God speak through His word to me about the exact things He has been challenging me with. Trace and I met with a Christian lady we respect and she spoke the exact words that God challenged me with very clearly two years ago. Words I have clung to because I just know they are from God. I feel Trace and I are on the same page. I am encouraged by that and the fact that God is working in both of our hearts to bring us to the same place.

I am in close communion with my Father. He is teaching, He is leading and that is clear to me. I could describe this as a mountaintop experience. I know God is pushing us and changing us and that is scary at times, but I am so very comforted by the fact that He has to be close enough to touch me so that He can push me. I will hold on to the closeness while I walk through the fear. I will hold onto His goodness, when the doubt creeps in. I will proclaim my belief in Him, and ask for help with the unbelief.

I am going to a women's retreat that is hosted by our church. It is my 4th retreat to go to and the theme of the retreat this year is From Fear to Freedom. When I first heard the topic it did little for me, I just knew that I had gone in the past and I wanted to go again. It had always been a fun time of connecting with other ladies and being challenged. I signed up and I committed to praying for the retreat. They have asked us to pray for the speaker and her health, the worship music that we will have, that the details will come together and the right people will be there.

So I have prayed, but then I got an updated list and it said something about praying for the message to be heard personally by the ladies that attend. That their hearts will be prepared and that every bit of fear that exists will be rooted out of their hearts so they can walk in freedom. I have had no problem praying that for the other ladies, but for some reason I have been fearful to pray that for myself (although I have) and if I am completely honest I must say that I am not all that excited about the retreat, but rather that I am a bit trepidatious. I mean, I am looking forward to time with the ladies, but I just keep sensing that the Lord has a message for me to hear. The places that Trace and I are beginning to sense the Lord leading are out of our comfort zone...way out of our comfort zone. I keep thinking that He is asking me to run away with Him and let Him minister to me, let Him teach me, let Him speak. That is great, I love the mountain. However, when you are on it you also know that you have to come back down and I am not sure I am ready for what we may be coming back down to.

This week the BSF lesson has been on Matthew 17. Part of what is discussed in this chapter is Jesus' transfiguration on the top of a mountain. The 3 disciples that were with Him got a glimpse of His glory and majesty. It was truly a mountaintop experience for the three of them as well as for Jesus. Right after this experience, that would produce awe, fear, and reverence for the Lord, these three men were lead back down the mountain into the valley. Jesus came back down with the express purpose of dieing on a cross, which was nearing. The disciples came back to the valley and were witnesses of both his death and resurrection. Talk about producing some fear, to watch your Lord die and not understand the implications of this. Jesus does not take us up to the mountain to leave us there, but rather to lead us back down to the valley to take up our cross and follow Him (Matthew16:24-25).

This is what the BSF notes that I read today said..."Mountaintop Christian Conferences are for our encouragement and strengthening. Everyday situations test the reality of the mountaintop experience". That jumped out to me as I prepare, with a little bit of fear, to go to a retreat this weekend. God is not going to keep me on the mountain forever. He will lead me back into the valley so that I can live and love those He leads me to, so that I can walk in obedience to His calling. He will be with me, but He will be leading me to my cross more and more all the time. He will be giving me life, true life that comes from Him, as I put do death my ways, my heart, my desires, my hopes, and yes my fears and I follow Him. He will lead to freedom, but the journey to get there could get rather bumpy. Oh, how thankful I am to know that after the cross Jesus experienced the resurrection. He may ask me to die, but in that death joy comes. Life is truly given and can be embraced! Lord help me to always remember that you give me the mountaintop so that I can live freely and boldly in the valley with the promise that resurrection is right around the corner. With that truth, freedom is possible!!!

Prince Charming...Does he exist?

I had such a sweet time in the car this morning with my kids so I simply had to share. We were driving Aidan to school and dancing and singing to the radio. We had on the local Christian radio station on and they played this. If you listen to the words you will hear that Micheal W. Smith refers to God as the King of Kings and Prince of Peace. From out of nowhere, Rebecca starts talking about Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, and Snow White. I was struggling to understand why she is talking about princesses (although this is one of her favorite topics), but then it hit me. My sweet little two year old began trying to make sense of what she was hearing. She is familiar with the words King and Prince from her obsession with fairy tales.
Oh, how sweet our God is. One of my favorite things about having a little girl has been watching her fall in love with fairy tales and beautiful dresses. I have gotten to fall in love all over again with the idea of the fairy tale. I have come to believe that this is not a childhood fantasy, but it is the desire God has written on our hearts. He has definitely written it on my heart and I am watching him form this desire in my two year old girl’s heart. Don't we all want to be rescued from something? Isn't there a part of all of us who wants to be whisked away on the white horse with our Prince Charming? Can't we see that desire today...Valentine's Day, as women hope and wish for a man to be their Prince Charming? To make them feel like they are enough, to make them feel beautiful.
So I took the opportunity to discuss fairy tales, to let Rebecca know that they are not just a dream or fantasy. That they are real, that she really is that daughter of The King. She is a beautiful Princess and she has been given a savior to rescue her. He came and He died, and He will Come again! Please don't just skip past that link, please go and read what it says. He will come; He will ride up on a horse to wage war. He will fight for His glory and His honor. And in the end, every knee will bow and every tongue will give praise to God (Romans 14:11). He is my Prince, He will come to save! I will be whisked away...no, I am being whisked away daily by the immeasurable love that the Father has lavished upon me. I beg of you to let yourself go, to fall into your Prince Charmings arms and let Him whisk you away.
Go listen to this song that has become one of my very favorites (insert -- the song I am referring to is measure of beauty, click on it if it does not come up from the beginning, sorry having a problem getting this to work). Just listen as Gods word is sung over you. All the lyrics of this song come straight from scripture. God loves you, oh how He loves you! The Bride is being prepared for the Bridegroom (Jesus). Don't miss the wedding; we will live happily ever after!

Hail, Mexico, and Suffering

Here is your warning...This is a long catch-up post so it will have several unrelated topics which will be addressed. For the sake of time and plain boredom, feel free to skip a paragraph or two and only read the ones that are of interest to you...not that you need my permission.

I was in shock today...I ran out to check the mail and the sky looked pretty nasty, the wind was up, and I could tell a storm was coming. Literally within minutes I heard the rain so hard I thought someone was banging on our back door. I looked outside and saw golf ball size hail falling from the sky. It was brief...it only lasted for about 5 minutes, but it was long enough to wake up Andrew who was sleeping soundly until the loud thuds threatened to break the window in his room. The kids had lots of questions about the hail (you know, what is it?, what makes it happen?, why did it stop?, etc., etc.) and their super smart mommy on the is Super Tuesday gave many exasperated I don't knows and even resorted to well, I am not God so I don't get to know that. It was fun to go outside and play with the balls of ice after it was over and done with though.

I told you I have had the flu and I have felt better for about 5 days now, but I am just so stinking tired...I can't seem to get my energy level back and I want to sleep every chance I get. I took two short naps today and I am looking forward to bedtime which is coming soon. Surely this can't last much longer...I have floors to clean (and I can ignore them for quite an impressive amount of time, but I am beginning to feel like it must be done soon, since I saw the baby pick up some ball of dirt or debris and try to eat it), I have laundry to do, and the organizational level of this house is beginning to make me crazy! It is nice to be feeling better, but I am feeling a bit overwhelmed by my house and the kids could really use a mommy, please sit and play day. Hopefully the remainder of this week will leave some time for all of that...if I could just stay awake when my kids are occupied.

Before getting sick, little Rebecca and I had a mommy and me day. It was our first and I invision many, many more in the years to come. She is so sweet and it was fun to get to focus just on her for once...I also must say that having one with you is a peice of cake when you are used to toting around 3 kids. I really felt like it was a vacation. We went to Dallas, had lunch with my grandfather, sister-in-law, and my neices. We then went to a baby shower for my cousin which was the reason for making the trip and then we went and hung out at the house of one of my dear friends from HS. It was such a good visit. Meridith is the kind of friend that I can go months without talking to her much, but we have just known each other for so long that we pick right back up. Finally we sropped at Chick-fil-A for some play time and nuggets before heading back. It was a good day.

The Haglers will be Mexico bound this summer. Trace and I are so excited! We attended a meeting about short term missions recently at our church. We heard about several awesome mission trips that God is putting together that would be absolutely amazing experiences, however we just don't feel like most of them are feasible for our family at this point. We did hear about a group that goes to Matamoros, Mexico every year. They go and stay at an orphanage for about a week and they run a VBS for the kids in the orphanage, they set up an area where they meet some minor medical needs for the community, and this year they will be doing some minor construction work at the orphanage. Matamoros is only about 10 miles across the border, but it is across the border. We will have to get some shots, and we will have to sacrifice a few of the luxuries of home (the big one for me is going to be air conditioning during the day, but we will have it while we sleep). We are the most excited about the fact that we can go as a family. We get to travel with other families that have a heart for missions and a desire to go and serve. That in and of itself will make the experience worth it. We are eager to see how God uses this to change our hearts! We are eager to get out there and do something and we are eager to do that as a family. I am dreaming of making this trip a regular family event, of raising kids who have a heart to see God move through missions and who desire to be a part of what God wants to do. I don't know what impact this will have on me, I have never taken a mission trip, I have never sweated for Jesus as I tried to show a little of His love to those I come in contact with, but I know this is an experience that will forever change me and right now I desire to be changed. I desire to be shaken, to be emboldened with the Holy Spirit, to share Jesus Christ (the only one who satisfies) with those around me. I don't think I have to go to Mexico to do that, but I do think it will help me in the process of being transformed. I don't know what to expect for my family, but I am excited about the unexpected!

Lastly, I have thought a bunch about suffering for the sake of Christ lately. I think that the Bible makes it very clear that if you follow Christ...YOU WILL SUFFER for His name sake. The problem that I have had lately is that I don't really suffer and I suffer so little that I even wonder what kind of Christian life am I living. Do I look any different than those around me? Am I any better at loving those around me than the nonbeliever down the street? The bible says work out you salvation with fear and trembling (Philipians 2:12). What does that mean? Does that mean that I should question these things? Does that mean that I should wonder if I have really been set apart by the Holy Spirit? I mean, don't get me wrong, God has changed my heart and I am different than I was 5 years ago. I think different, I believe different, and I do believe I act a little different, so I must be His; I am His child. I know He has changed me! The question is...How much have I let Him change me? Have I let Him change me to the point that Paul says...I count all things loss, but the surpassing knowledge of Christ Jesus (Philippians 3:8)? All things? Do I count all things but loss compared to Him. Is He my only desire? Do I want to or am I willing to really suffer for the sake of His name? Well, I can answer one part of that...no, I do not want to suffer, but am I willing? Could I do it? Could I be beaten and spit on and still follow Him? I do not know. It makes me uncomfortable to think about it, but I think from time to time, I should think about it. I think sometimes I should struggle with the fact that I don't really suffer for His names sake. I do realize that I have not been called to that kind of suffering and I am thankful for that, but sometimes I wonder if He hasn't called me because I am not capable...I would break under the pressure. I was recently in a room of Christians that I respect. People that I believe do try to live the Christian life and who do seek to do Jesus' will, but I left with this topic heavy on my heart. The topic of suffering came up and someone felt the need to say we all suffer...we all suffer in some way ( whether it is giving financially or not buying something I want for the sake of God's name, or being ridiculed a little by people around us or whatever). Really? Does that count? Is that suffering for the sake of Christ or is that an American Christians way of feeling ok for the life we live and the little, tiny amount we suffer? How come we can't just sit and be uncomfortable? Why can't we take that discomfort to our Heavenly Father and pour our struggle out to Him and see how He responds? Why do we always have to make it ok? Why do I feel a need to justify my lack of suffering, my relatively easy life? Christians around the world do suffer for the sake of Christ. They are imprissoned and beaten. They are deserted by family and some times they do not even have food to eat. Can I compare my life to that? Do I really partake in the suffering of Christ? Just a question, a struggle I have had within myself...I would love your thoughts.

God's Gifts

I just need to brag on the Lord for a second...I have this thing that I have been praying about off and on for over a year. It is a desire of my heart that I know comes from God, because ultimately it is about Him being glorified. My desires tend to involve things really deep like going to Target or Hobby Lobby for stuff (which is what I did this morning) ...but I digress. He says Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, Trust also in Him, and He will do it. Psalm 37:4-5

Did you hear what he said? HE WILL DO IT!!! Not Christa, figure out how to make this happen and do it. No, He says He will do it! So now I get to stand back and Praise Him. I get to watch and see how he chooses to lead and I simply follow. I have mentioned before that I am doing BSF. I have a girl in my BSF group who is a mother of one of the girls on Aidan's class at school, so when we get a chance we usually end up talking because we have something in common. I have enjoyed having her in my group and have wanted to get to know her better. Well, I just found out that she is an author. She is an author of a book that talks specifically about the desire that God has put on my heart. You have no idea how excited I am. I have felt stuck and I have been waiting for things to change, to have some direction, and now it looks like God may have just opened a door and said walk here! I have already ordered the book and we are going to try to get together for coffee soon. I am so thankful for His goodness. I love those moments when I sit in awe of His goodness, His Sovereignty, and His attention to detail. Now is one of those times.

Merry Christmas

I had such a sweet time with the Lord this morning. I decided that I wanted to read the Christmas story and spend some time reflecting on the reason we celebrate Christmas...the birth of a baby that will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace (Isaiah 9:6).

God does not cease to amaze me. I read and was amazed once again by His goodness. I think the thing that keeps hitting me this year is that He did not have to do this. He did not have to come, but in His goodness He chose to come, to be mocked, to be tempted, to be hated, and to be murdered. I just can't separate these two events. He came so He could die. He came to redeem His people. He came to display His glory and His splendor!

Can you imagine being Mary? Have you ever really pondered this. She was obviously a young girl of great faith. We know this by the way she responded and believed that she would have the Lord's son. She experienced so many great things and people spoke great words about this baby who would be born to her. An Angel appeared to her and called her favored one
(Luke 1:28). The angel said this baby would be called great and the son of the Most High (Luke 1:32). Elizabeth saw her and said she is blessed among women and called her the mother of her Lord (Luke 1: 42 an 43). Mary was so overwhelmed by these experiences that she broke into song praising her God. A little later we hear Zacharias speaking of the Christ who will born and says the Lord has raised up a horn of salvation for us (Luke 1:69).

Then the day comes for Jesus to be born, to have His humble earthly beginning. He was born among the animals, He was worshipped by the lowly shepherds who reported to Mary and Joseph how the angel had appeared to them and said I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger. Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests." (Luke 2:10-14).

And how did Mary respond to these strangers who brought this news...she treasured these things in her heart, and pondered on them (Luke 2 :19). A few days later, Jesus is taken to the Temple to be circumcised when they met Simeon. The Holy spirit had revealed who Jesus was to Simeon and he spoke saying "my eyes have seen your salvation" ( Luke 2:30).

I don't know why all these things were said, but I wonder if part of the reason was not for Mary. Can you imagine hearing such a clear message from the Lord about your child? She must have felt overwhelmed by the presence of our Lord and the words that had been spoken to encourage her. She must have known deep connection with the Father at this time. She was just a simple girl and God had shown His favor on her. I wonder if much of this was not to prepare her for the suffering that she too would experience. After all this encouragement Simeon goes on to say that This child is destined to cause the falling and rising of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be spoken against, so that the thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. And a sword will pierce your own soul too. (Luke 2: 34-35).

This may have been her first glimpse at the suffering the future would hold for Jesus, and as his mother, for Mary. She is told that a sword would pierce her soul also, but in the Fathers goodness He had prepared her. She was favored by God and the scriptures tell us so often that those who are favored, those who are chosen are called to suffer. And she would suffer...she would see her son murdered in a violent and awful way. She would be so torn and hurt in her flesh...but she had this experience this bold encounter with the Lord to fall back on! We can see how the Lord was Mary's Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace (Isaiah 9:6). How has He been this for you this year? These are the things I will, like Mary, ponder in my heart today. Will you join me?

I will leave you with a few pictures from Aidan's Christmas play at school. He was Joseph and the play was so adorable! It brought tears to my eyes to see the way the Lord is writing His word on these kids hearts. I also put a couple before church yesterday. Enjoy and have a very Merry Christmas!

What do I hunger for?

I am relatively new to seeking God through bible study and really trying to discover what the bible says. I am relatively new to the idea of seeking to live a life that glorifies the Father. I am new to many spiritual disciplines. So let me begin this post by saying I do no fast. I have never fasted. I have never even been taught the purpose of fasting. I have never heard someone talk from personal experience about fasting. I never got it and I was OK with that. I mean if no one really talks about it they either must not be doing it or else it isn't that significant. I have heard people talk about fasting a few times, like when we were looking for a new Senior pastor for our church or when some missionaries where trying to decide if and where they should go. But for the average person, it just did not seem all that necessary to me. It must be something for the spiritually elite.
I just recently began reading the book, A Hunger For God by John Piper. God is really challenging me with what I am reading. It says on the front cover that the book is about desiring God through prayer and fasting.
I started reading this book at the recommendation of my husband. You see, I have problem with balance in my life, in many areas, but I am specifically referring to the balance between prayer and bible study. I tend to be either prayer heavy or bible heavy, but I usually am not doing both well at any given time. I am currently doing a scripture heavy bible study so I have been leaning on the bible heavy side. I decided that I needed to pick up a book on prayer so I picked up Priscilla Shriers book titled He speaks to Me. God did meet me through that book and the scriptures I was studying at that time and He worked to quiet my soul and to help me increase my understanding of resting in Him(but that is for another post). I knew when I was done with that book that I desired to continue to read on the spiritual discipline of prayer. When I mentioned this to my husband he recommended this book by John Piper. Even though I wasn't all that excited about the fasting stuff I decided to read it and figured I would learn something. I am a little over halfway through the book and God is challenging me. I thought I would share some of the quotes that I have been thinking on.
*** The greatest adversary of love to God is not his enemies but his gifts. And the most deadly appetites are not for the poison of evil, but for the simple pleasures of earth. For when these replace an appetite for God himself, the idolatry is scarcely recognizable and almost incurable. Page 14
***If you don't feel strong desires for the manifestations of the glory of God, it is not because you have drunk deeply and are satisfied. It is because you have nibbled so long at the table of the world, your soul is stuffed with small things, and there is no room for the great. Page 23
***From time to time we need to test ourselves to see if we have begun to love his gifts in place of God. Page 45
***Fasting is a way of revealing to ourselves and confessing to God what is in our hearts. Where do we find our deepest satisfaction - in God or His gifts? Page 58
***The question is: having tasted the goodness of God in the gospel, how can I maximize my enjoyment of him, when every moment of my life I am tempted to make a god out of his good gifts? Page 62
***The absence of fasting is indicative of our comfort with the way things are. No one fasts to express how content they are. People only fast out of dissatisfaction...The absence of fasting is the measure of our contentment with he absence of Christ. Page 93
***Are we settled into this world so comfortably that the thought of fasting for the end of history is unthinkable? Page 95
***Do you love Jesus so much that His coming would be the greatest thing you can imagine?...How would you feel about being told that fasting for the King's coming may reflect how much you want he Bridegroom to come?...Do we want the appearance of Jesus more than we want to finish our career and family plans? Or our next meal? Page 96
I do not know if these strike you hard, but I must confess they do me. Especially the questions at the end, the ones about Christ's return. Just reading the question about His coming being the greatest thing I can imagine brought tears to my eyes and I must admit it is not because I can give a resounding yes! Yes, I do get discouraged by this world. The evil in this fallen place is often hard to look at and all to often I simply choose to look the other way rather than deal with it. I mean, rape, abortions, and the physical persecution of God's elect around the world are hard things to stomach. Sometimes, I truly ache for Christ's coming. I long (at times) to be in Christ's presence, where pain and sorrow will be no more, where sin will no longer reign in my life or those around me, and when God's glory will shine brighter than I can even fathom. I do eagerly await that time, but if I am honest, the truth is that I am stuffed by the gifts of this world. Good things, like my husband and kids, comfort of my home, and food in the pantry. So often this life satisfies me. Yes, part of this satisfaction is my relationship with Jesus Christ, but much of it is from the goodness of the gifts He has given me that all to often shift and become idols in my heart. Lord forgive me for not be able to pray often enough "Thy Kingdom Come" and really mean it!

Baby Dedication

This past Sunday was baby dedication Sunday at our church. We have never participated in a baby dedication with any of our children so we decided that we wanted to dedicate all three of them. It was a really sweet time for me. Mimi (my mom) was able to come and be a part of this special day for our family which meant a lot to me. The church put up a picture of the kids on the big screen. I told you in a previous post that it is so hard to get 3 kids to look and take a decent picture so above is the one we used. We tried and I probably took close to 40 pictures and this is the best we got? Oh well, they will all be older one day.
Anyways, back to the point. The kids each got a small bible with their names on it and Aidan and Rebecca just ate that up. Rebecca was especially excited because her bible was pink. The purpose of the baby dedication is to offer our children back to God, after all He is their Creator. He was just gracious enough to allow me to be a part of the process. It is also a time for us to commit to raising them in the knowledge of the Lord and for the congregation to commit to supporting and praying for us during the process. All this got me thinking back over the years and the way that God has changed my heart. He is Good, all the time!
The couple people who read this are probably familiar with my story, but this time has made me want to reflect a bit. So here goes...I went to Texas Tech for college, largely because it was far away from home and I had some need to prove my independence or something? While I was there I saw how weak I was. I was partying at every chance I got. It took me a while to make close friends and for the first time in my life I struggled with knowing who I was and I began asking all those life questions. Ultimately I felt empty. As I sought something deeper, something bigger, God began to lead me to Him, however distorted my view of Him was. He is so good to meet us where we are and carry us until we can meet Him face to face and begin to be changed. I had been a church going christian as a kid, but I guess the foundation was not solid and I questioned everything. I would say I was pretty close to the belief that all roads lead to heaven, because there is only one God. I never denounced Christ but I was not following His teachings or placing my faith in Him. I might as well have denounced Him because I was basically saying His death on the cross was insignificant. Who am I to say such a thing, and yet God still loved me and still guided me. His grace overwhelms!
I did look for something spiritual. I quit drinking and I prayed to God. I used some devotionals that taught spiritual principles, but I did not read my bible and I did not really know Jesus Christ.
While I was at school I met Trace who would become my future husband. We started dating. He became my best friend. We spent much of our time together and we got engaged on Christmas Day in 2000. One month later we found out that we were pregnant. That threw a huge kink in my plans. I was going to graduate in May and I had just taken the LSAT and was planning to go to Law School. How could I have a new baby and go to law school? Trace still had another whole year of school, how was this supposed to work? We started going to the doctor and I got excited about this life that was growing in me. Yes it messed up my plans, but I begin to believe that it was going to be OK. I believed that God was part of creating this baby so He would provide.
We got married on April 7th. On April 13th I was in the hospital to deliver the baby that we lost. I was 18 weeks along though they said the baby measured to be about 15 weeks. I was angry! How could a loving God allow this to happen? Was this some kind of sick game? But again God was good. He allowed me to cast my anger on Him. I do not believe that it was the right response, but it was my response. I vividly remember praying and saying, Look, I am mad at you and if I thought I could get through this on my own believe me I would try, but I know I am weak. I need you to carry me through this. It was this huge point of surrender! I quit trying to fight Him.
I do not know why the circumstances of life happened the way they did. I am not sure I know all the reasons God allowed this pain in my life, but I do know that He used this. He changed my heart, he changed my plans, He changed my goals. I said above I wanted to be a career woman, but now I wanted nothing more than to have a family. I never expected to be a stay at home mom, now I desired desperately to have babies and be at home with them. About 9 months later I was pregnant again with Aidan. Trace still was in school but would graduate soon and we were hoping he would get a job and I could stay at home with the baby. When it came time for him to look for work the market was low and he had trouble finding a place to work. He was offered a job here in Tyler, against my wishes to never live in Tyler again, he accepted and we moved to Tyler. We had Aidan and God used this teeny little baby to break me into pieces. I became overwhelmed with the knowledge that this was God's child and I would be held accountable to Him for the way that I raised him. I wanted Aidan to know Jesus Christ and to have a real relationship with Him. I had know idea how to aid in the process of making this happen. I was lost, so I sought Him hard. I prayed for Aidan and I asked God to teach me. I fell before the King and I told Him, I can't do this. If I am going to be the mother to one of your most precious children you are going to have to show me how. I am lost, I am afraid to move. Teach me. Lead me. Again, God is Good, all the time! He loved my offering of brokenness! He loved the fact that I surrendered and gave myself to Him to be taught.
I very quickly learned that my kids would never buy into this God thing if I didn't buy into it 100%. If I did not live authentically before my kids then they would never be able to live authentically. My prayers shifted to being more about changing me and less about my kids at all. I had to be changed. To be made into a new creature. God is doing that! He is faithful! I pray to see how much He loves me. To know Him intimately. I have to know Him if I am going to teach my children who He is. As I have gotten a taste of God, I want more. I want to live and breath Jesus! I always want to seek Him more. I pray that He never lets me loose my focus. That he always points me to Him. After all, He has been Lord in every step of this process! He is Good all the Time!
I think about Trace and myself. I think about the fact that we were two young foolish kids when we met, yet God had His hand on us. We have done so many things wrong by most standards, but God still loved us back to Him. We were pregnant when we got married, we did not go to church and we did not desire to. We were lost in many ways. We did not know better. God is teaching us. He is full of Grace, Love, and Mercy! He is good all the time! It blows me away to look back and see how God works. Is He alive and active? I see Him working everyday. The fact that we are active members of a church did not happen because of us, it was Him. The fact that we pray with our kids did not happen because of us, it was Him. The fact that we are seeking to train our children in the knowledge of the Lord did not happen because of us, it was Him. We are not model Christians, we are sinners who desperately need God's Grace, as much now as in the past. He is faithful to give that to us. He is good, all the time!

Maybe this explains why this was such a special day for me. I feel like we have already dedicated our children to the Lord, but this was a chance to do it publicly. We realize they are His and we (to some degree) realize what a mighty job He has given us. He has asked us to raise them, to train them, to shepherd them. They are such a special flock. I thank God for them daily!


Aidan checking out his new bible.
Becca and her new pink bible.
The family
Daddy and Andrew