So, I mentioned homeschooling in my last post. I also mentioned many of the emotions that I have been experiencing lately with all of the change. There is no doubt that a big part of that is about homeschooling.
We started talking about homeschooling last fall. It was really more of an idea in the back of my head than anything serious. I remember thinking that I would do it if I really was convinced that was what was best for Aidan, but there was no excitement. I have come a long way since then. I am truly excited about this adventure. I know that it will be hard and it will require sacrifice and the Lord has many, many things to teach me through this adventure, but I look forward to teaching Aidan and Rebecca. I look forward to learning as I teach. I look forward to being intimately involved in what Aidan and Rebecca are learning and spending so much intentional time with them. I am excited, but I have to admit I am a bit scared and I even have had times that I know are nothing short of grieving.
My life is going to change in very dramatic ways. I will not be able to be a part of the bible study that I have done for the past 2 years and that I absolutely love. My moms in touch prayer group is not going to continue here at Higgins as far as I know and I am saddened by that. I would love to continue praying with other moms, but the Lord has not worked out the details of that yet and so this wonderfully sweet time of prayer for my kids with other women may stop. The playgroup that I have been a part of for 4 and 1/2 years will dissolve. Things are definitely going to be different. The relationships that have become very dear to me will change. I know they will continue to be close friendships, but they will be harder to maintain simply because I won't see them as much. For a while I was surprised by my sadness, but I have finally accepted that it is part of the process that I need to go through.
So much about next year is unknown and the unknown may be great, it may be better than I could imagine, but it is scary and sadness comes at the loss. I was a church a little over a week ago and we were singing and worshipping the Lord. I felt like God was meeting me in my grief. In that moment He truly was my comforter. It wasn't just a name I could declare of Him, I felt Him being that for me. It was so wonderful to feel Him reminding me that there is nothing to fear, no reason to be afraid. Yes, I will loose my bible study that has been such a vital tool in teaching me about Him, but I would NEVER loose Him. He was going with me. Yes, my relationships with those around me might change, but my relationship with Him would continue. He is going with me. As I sang that morning I had tears streaming down my face as I stood there wrapped in His embrace. Even when life feels uncertain, He is good and He never changes. What a wonderful reminder that was for me!
Tomorrow we are going to a playgroup to meet some of the families that will be a part of the coop that we are going to join for next year. It is a group that will meet together every Wednesday morning. I told the kids about it and Rebecca asked me who would be there. I had to admit that I don't know. She wasn't all that excited about that. I can relate. I want to stay in my comfort zone and be surrounded by the friends that I have chosen. I am excited to meet these women and their kids, but I am a little nervous also. It really is nerve racking when change happens, but this is the place that we have come to in life and it is the place that we believe the Lord has brought us to. I am choosing to believe that He is going with me as I walk through this time.